Parody of a Life

A Valuable Lesson

2005-09-28T20:52:00.000+08:00

In our constant quest for humour, we sometimes oversee certain things that might be more important than making the world laugh..

Today I learnt something..

I do receive emails from people that are angry at me for no evident reason and even might suggest that I see a doctor.. I receive that with humor, for it is funny to believe that our minds need assistance to prevent themselves from self-destructing..

But not everybody has our sense of humour..

What would happen if, ten years from now, I take one of such emails and post them here.. What happens if that person is really mad at it and decides to come after my kids? What if there's really people that can go that far for a verbal interchange?

Today, you all saw that this blog was spammed multiple times, thus forcing me to limit the amount of comments.. This made me think.. What if..?

It is not everyday that I learn a lesson, but today I have, and I recommend to all of you (especially young kids that think they are indestructible) to avoid flaming on the net..

Today's case involved someone I met in a Richard Stallman talk last year(very interesting talk, may I add).. I know him and he is a person educated in the sciences.. I have to thank him (you know your name) for the wake up call, for I would never think that humour could cause pain in others..

I am sorry if I hurt you.

To the rest of you, don't forget that once the computers are off, it's time to face the real world..

Peace Out from the Piggy

It's OFF!

2005-09-28T19:21:00.000+08:00

Alas, she cheated more than me.. But we both tried hard..

It's ON!

2005-09-28T18:46:00.000+08:00

The war might go on.. But this battle belongs to the Piggy!

The Dream Factory: How to keep a Dream Diary

2005-09-28T18:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, when I sleep, I dream..

Sometimes, when I dream, I remember things that never happened..

Or maybe they happened and I have buried them deep in my mind?
Or maybe they will happen one day?
Or maybe they are happening right now in an infinite set of possible realities?

The fact is that I dream.

I've realized that, the more responsibilities I take, the lesser I will remember what went on in dreamland..

When I lived in India (no, I'm not an Indian, you freaking racist) I was very free to do whatever I felt like it.. I happened to feel like keeping a dream diary..

And so I did..

I prepared a pen and a notebook next to my bed, so that I could write things whenever I woke up in the middle of the night either after a dream or with a revolutionary idea in my head..

All set, sleeping time..

I woke up in the morning and nothing was written on the notebook.. Great.. I had actually woken up middle of the night and thought of writing a dream down, but the idea of going back to sleep sounded much more attractive.. Lazy bastard..

I continued this setting until one night I woke up middle of the night after a dream and managed to grab the pencil and paper.. I wrote everything down on the notebook with as much detail as possible.. Mission One accomplished!..

In the morning, when I tried to read back what I had read, I found myself staring at some symbols from an ancient language.. And forget about straight lines: text was overlapping and curved all over the paper.. I guess I should have switched on the lights to write.. But that didn't seem to be an option, especially given that once the lights are ON, the Piggy cannot go back to sleep..

So, I decide to beat the odds and got a voice recorder next to my bed.. Genius..

When I finally got myself to move my lazy infrastructure towards the recorder and get to press the right button (no, they do NOT glow in the dark), I felt that I had started something that would last me for years to come and would result very insightful to my future selves..

In the morning, as I played back the recording, I found myself listening to those same ancient tribes chanting whatever they had previously tried to write in my notebook: mumblings and a certain anger towards "Dronga".. WHAT THE HELL IS A DRONGA?? Whatever it was, it had pissed me off to the point of waking up and curse it in Elbonian.. If you ever come across a Dronga, please beat it up for me..

Defeated again..

I wanted a diary of my dreams.. This couldn't be that hard..

How I solved this? I placed my bedside light UNDER my bed, thus transforming it into my underbed light.. When I woke up next, I switched on the lights and it was REALLY dim to the point of allowing me to write all my stuff and go back to sleep..

In the morning, I was greeted by the full dream staring at me with a grin..

Why the grin, you ask?

Try it yourself, and you'll realize that dreams have this 'in your face' attribute that tells you things about your mind.. You might think/hope that those things are not there, but hypocrisy will not shape reality..

So, as an obvious proof of self-respect and inhibition, I'll start posting my dreams starting today.. That means I need to pick up my good old habit of keeping a notebook next to my bed.. Not sure how will Manu react to the underbed light concept, but we won't know until we try..

So go ahead and do it: keep a diary of your dreams and tell all your friends to do the same.. If nothing else, it's free entertainment.. For those of you with more supernatural tendencies, you might see the future and get the next lottery ticket numbers!

When that happens, remember your old pal Piggy..

Piggy Twister needs help.. so what's new?

2005-09-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Yet again, we are faced with an entity containing complex views of this humankind and a flaming need to reshape it to their own image..

Sounds like I'm talking about you and me..

But nope, let us hold high the flag of hypocrisy and point once again our eyes towards one of my multiple (does TWO qualify as MULTIPLE?) fans that are angry for some reason..

Although, in this case, I might be guilty of one thing.. You see, in a desperate attempt to catch up with the Poe's hits, I emailed all my acquaintances (present and past) about my blog.. Fair enough.. Problem is that the list was extensive (I WISH!) and some additional addresses must have gotten mixed up (think FORWARDED MESSAGE LISTS)..

So I unawaringly contacted some gentleman about this, and he quickly mailed me back to praise my blog:

I do not know who u are. I think u need help. get a friend or see a doctor. take care.

Seeing that this person knew me so well, I proceeded to interact with this enlightened soul, in the hopes that some sparks might fall my way and I'll gain a meaning in this life..

PT:Thanks for your advice.. I will act accordingly.. Sry if my email resulted intrusive, I do not know why your address was in the recipients list.. You are very right.. I need help.. But don't we all? Take Care too :-)

Enlightened Person:it would be nice of you to let me know you. I think I can help you too.. to be a friend. cheers.

At this point I kinda freaked a bit.. He wants to KNOW me.. That sounds pretty faggy.. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I tend to prefer people that DO NOT rub themselves all over strangers.. So, like in any other tribal interaction, I proceeded to make an offer in the hopes that the indigenous people will like the shiny objects and stay away from our ships.. I just replaced the shiny things with a Gmail account..

EP:I got a google account, but for software
developer related stuff. general audience. here at (email address censored.. for now..).Thanks.

PT:Well.. At least I learnt that I'm "general audience". Which part of my blog gave away the fact that I need help? :-)

EP:look deep enough in ur blog and u'll know... but if u don't... why shd i bother, i just let u be who u are. cheers.

Phew.. I got PERMISSION to be who I am.. Thank you oh enlightened one.. And I can make fun of this because I am assuming that somebody that has everything figured out just like you do, won't bother coming back to my blog.. Just a waste of time.. Right? But wait.. Why are you reading this right now?! Gotcha baby! It's OK to be hypocrite, it's even inevitable..

PT:Hey! I didn't know my blog was deep! Cool! Where can I find your blog? I promise I'll let you be who you are.. :-)

EP:I dun blog. but I do notice a number of bloggers are not in good mental state.

Uh-oh.. You're picking on more than what you can handle.. Baby steps here..

PT:Yeah.. I think blogs might have this therapeutical attribute to them.. Maybe you should try it and see how it
feels? No health hazard.. :-)

EP:well i know one petty girl.. she look nice and all... but after i read her blog, I try very hard to forget about that cock sucking bitch. but if you are ok and honest, state ur name as part of ur blog. That pride and ego of urs is of no help to you. cheers.

PT:It is much easier to be honest when you are not liable for your views.. I thought you'd understand that.. The greater liars are right in the public eye (aka politicians) :-)

EP:LOL... I am held accountable and will be responsible for all my views. There is nothing to be ashame of. I like to be honest. I stand on my views. I do make mistakes, but nice people understand and I learn from that. But if u understand the true sprit of blogs, you will put ur name up. Speak and stand your view and show the
world who you are and what you stand for. That makes a statesman. As what I see now, you are a coward, nonetheless a distrubed soul.

Wow.. As I read back, my piggy eyes are swelling with creepness.. So, there you have it people, I do not understand the true spirit of blogs because I'm a very 'distrubed' soul.. I hope you guys can learn a thing or two from this almighty that is willing to share his wisdom.. Wisdom worthy of a Swan..

Epilogue:
PT:There's not an undisturbed soul in this world.. I beg to differ that you share your true self in public, for Psychology has recurrently asserted and demonstrated the difference in the Public and Private behaviour of humans and numerous mammals.. I would tend to think that we are all hypocrites in
our public persona.. The fact that you do not know that, and the recurrent need to use namecalling ("coward", "disturbed soul", "you need help"...), makes me
wonder whether you are still a teenager.. It's all good.. :-)

EP:this is the last email from me. I know you need help. I cannot be bothered much about you unless u take that step to help yourself. listen to this: (quotes my last message) Name calling? That is the best way to describe you. I seriously think u need help. see a doctor.

PT:Goodbye and thank you :-)

I guess that's a BINGO! on the teenager comment..

I forgot to add "Thank you for giving me a blog entry to discuss all my issues in front of a world that undoubtedly supports your views"

But, since he's NOT reading this, I guess I'll have to whisper my thanks to the wind and hope they reach him..

I'm so glad I'm a piggy and not an Enlightened Person..

Edit, 28/SEP/05:
Here's the latest from what has become my greatest fan.. If he continues to surf around my blog, I'll beat the Poe in no time.. Not literally Poe.. Don't be so kinky..

EP:u are going to rot in ur little hell hole until some angels get his way through to you.god have mercy on you soul.

My new mantra (for now)

2005-09-26T09:41:00.000+08:00

From the web.. Today you don't need to listen to my smartass attempts..

How to become an early riser

It is well to be up before daybreak, for such habits contribute to health, wealth, and wisdom.
- Aristotle

Are morning people born or made? In my case it was definitely made. In my early 20s, I rarely went to bed before midnight, and I'd almost always sleep in late. I usually didn't start hitting my stride each day until late afternoon.

But after a while I couldn't ignore the high correlation between success and rising early, even in my own life. On those rare occasions where I did get up early, I noticed that my productivity was almost always higher, not just in the morning but all throughout the day. And I also noticed a significant feeling of well-being. So being the proactive goal-achiever I was, I set out to become a habitual early riser. I promptly set my alarm clock for 5AM...

...and the next morning, I got up just before noon.

Hmmm...

I tried again many more times, each time not getting very far with it. I figured I must have been born without the early riser gene. Whenever my alarm went off, my first thought was always to stop that blasted noise and go back to sleep. I tabled this habit for a number of years, but eventually I came across some sleep research that showed me that I was going about this problem the wrong way. Once I applied those ideas, I was able to become an early riser consistently.

It's hard to become an early riser using the wrong strategy. But with the right strategy, it's relatively easy.

The most common wrong strategy is this: You assume that if you're going to get up earlier, you'd better go to bed earlier. So you figure out how much sleep you're getting now, and then just shift everything back a few hours. If you now sleep from midnight to 8am, you figure you'll go to bed at 10pm and get up at 6am instead. Sounds very reasonable, but it will usually fail.

It seems there are two main schools of thought about sleep patterns. One is that you should go to bed and get up at the same times every day. It's like having an alarm clock on both ends - you try to sleep the same hours each night. This seems practical for living in modern society. We need predictability in our schedules. And we need to ensure adequate rest.

The second school says you should listen to your body's needs and go to bed when you're tired and get up when you naturally wake up. This approach is rooted in biology. Our bodies should know how much rest we need, so we should listen to them.

Through trial and error, I found out for myself that both of these schools are suboptimal sleep patterns. Both of them are wrong if you care about productivity. Here's why:

If you sleep set hours, you'll sometimes go to bed when you aren't sleepy enough. If it's taking you more than five minutes to fall asleep each night, you aren't sleepy enough. You're wasting time lying in bed awake and not being asleep. Another problem is that you're assuming you need the same number of hours of sleep every night, which is a false assumption. Your sleep needs vary from day to day.

If you sleep based on what your body tells you, you'll probably be sleeping more than you need - in many cases a lot more, like 10-15 hours more per week (the equivalent of a full waking day). A lot of people who sleep this way get 8+ hours of sleep per night, which is usually too much. Also, your mornings may be less predictable if you're getting up at different times. And because our natural rhythms are sometimes out of tune with the 24-hour clock, you may find that your sleep times begin to drift.

The optimal solution for me has been to combine both approaches. It's very simple, and many early risers do this without even thinking about it, but it was a mental breakthrough for me nonetheless. The solution was to go to bed when I'm sleepy (and only when I'm sleepy) and get up with an alarm clock at a fixed time (7 days per week). So I always get up at the same time (in my case 5am), but I go to bed at different times every night.

I go to bed when I'm too sleepy to stay up. My sleepiness test is that if I couldn't read a book for more than a page or two without drifting off, I'm ready for bed. Most of the time when I go to bed, I'm asleep within three minutes. I lie down, get comfortable, and immediately I'm drifting off. Sometimes I go to bed at 9:30pm; other times I stay up until midnight. Most of the time I go to bed between 10-11pm. If I'm not sleepy, I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. Reading is an excellent activity to do during this time, since it becomes obvious when I'm too sleepy to read.

When my alarm goes off every morning, I turn it off, stretch for a couple seconds, and sit up. I don't think about it. I've learned that the longer it takes me to get up, the more likely I am to try to sleep in. So I don't allow myself to have conversations in my head about the benefits of sleeping in once the alarm goes off. Even if I want to sleep in, I always get up right away.

After a few days of using this approach, I found that my sleep patterns settled into a natural rhythm. If I got too little sleep one night, I'd automatically be sleepier earlier and get more sleep the next night. And if I had lots of energy and wasn't tired, I'd sleep less. My body learned when to knock me out because it knew I would always get up at the same time and that my wake-up time wasn't negotiable.

A side effect was that on average, I slept about 90 minutes less per night, but I actually felt more well-rested. I was sleeping almost the entire time I was in bed.

I read that most insomniacs are people who go to bed when they aren't sleepy. If you aren't sleepy and find yourself unable to fall asleep quickly, get up and stay awake for a while. Resist sleep until your body begins to release the hormones that rob you of consciousness. If you simply go to bed when you're sleepy and then get up at a fixed time, you'll cure your insomnia. The first night you'll stay up late, but you'll fall asleep right away. You may be tired that first day from getting up too early and getting only a few hours of sleep the whole night, but you'll slog through the day and will want to go to bed earlier that second night. After a few days, you'll settle into a pattern of going to bed at roughly the same time and falling asleep right away.

So if you want to become an early riser (or just exert more control over your sleep patterns), then try this: Go to bed only when you're too sleepy to stay up, and get up at a fixed time every morning.

BlogWars Week 3 - Piggy's Wrath

2005-09-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

I hope I don't get fired over the amount of time spent pinging for hits..

There's no way I can go through another week like this without something burning down..

Guess the Poe will crush me after all.. Sausages and Ham anyone?

Serves me right for trying to have a self-esteem..

Blogger's Jihad

2005-09-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

Do not read this if you are a political creep.

As you all may know (except for those of you that don't know), all blogger users have a profile number assigned to them when they register..

I am 4078508

That means that more than 4 million people are better than me at figuring out what's going on and joining the crew.. I'm not counting members of other online diaries because they suck.. The grass might be greener on the other side, but the women are better here..

Now that we have already established my superiority over the other 6 billion people that spend their time screwing grass, let us examine the symbolism of the figures..

Users 1,2 and 4 are founders/creators of Blogger (all hail our masters).. User 3 did not share his/her profile, thus leading us to believe that s/he is fat..

As a good idle piggy, I went and searched for the only symbolic number that I can think of, which of course was 666..

Turns out that user 666 either does not exist or does not share profile.. Fair enough..

Let's check user number 6 then.. *types on keyboard*.. nothing.. hum..

66?.. Nada..

6666?? Nope..

After extensive research, we come across the shocking truth: the only sequence of sixes that is a profile in blogger is number 6666666..

This could mean that Blogger thought "better keep away the demons".. Fair enough since some presidents like to put their beliefs in every national decision..

What's disturbing is that user 6666666 is some arab called بني آدم صناعة وتجميع مصري
. (If you can't read those arabic characters, it's your fault).. I don't remember much from my arab classes.. But I think that spells.. O-sama bin La-den.. I could be wrong though..

So there you have it.. That's where Osama has been hiding all these years! No wonder Bush couldn't find him! He was in Blogger! Not in Afghanistan anymore!!

Pity Osama: he only has 8 profile views as per today.. No friends.. That would explain why he's so infuriated against tall buildings..

So come on people! Let's bring some traffic to our friend and let him feel the warmth of our caring towards him.. After all, according to the president's beliefs, we should always turn the other cheek..

The Global Blog Chain

2005-09-22T16:06:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day of our quest for eternity.. I was busy looking for funny things to do with my tie when the magic of MLM showed me the way to eternity: What if we make a chain interconnecting ALL the blogs in the Universe? That would certainly be awesome.. And I'm sure it works because NOBODY has thought of chain letters or anything like that before!

Awesome..

And thus thy Global Blog Chain was borneth, and thy Piggy Twister saw it was fun; and thy Piggy Twister restedth for the remaining six-and-a-half days.

Here's how it's gonna work (yes, I know it will work only in my mind, thanks for the reminder.. But that's the most I could hope for..):
-I link 3 target blogs in my link chain (add them to my sidebar under "Global Blog Chain") and post a comment in each target blog to these instructions
-Target blog links are only to be functional once the target blogger has tagged 3 more people; until then, only text without hyperlink is to be posted
-They can post the instructions in their site or link directly to the instructions here or anywhere else
-They tag 3 more blogs, add them to the sidebar (together with the tagger's blog) and the chain grows..
-I have received so many chain letters, that I'm assuming people must love to do this crap..
-Here's the catch: this is not just crappy chaining, it should boost all participants' rating in search engines since the Spider softwares will have a direct path interconnecting all those blogs(and that, my friends, is pretty much all I know about search engines)
-After a few years, those in the chain will get to form a secret society and have a secret handshake and all..

So what do you say? Are you in?
I'll try initially tagging Misstake, RXS and Kinky Poe.. Let's how badly I get beaten up for being such a kid..

Ame and Kari

2005-09-22T09:50:00.000+08:00

I was busy with my morning schedule of rolling out of bed, avoiding little green people, kick Manu in the place where he used to have nuts and finally make it to the toilet.. You could say it was a normal day..

For some reason, today I wasn't rushed for time and thus could use water for my morning shower.. That was kinda nice, you should try it sometime..

What matters here is that, before leaving to the office, I came across a little tiny email in my mailbox..

Turns out that two old friends are getting married.. To each other!!

Ok ok, flashback time so that you guys are not so confused about the whole scenario:
it's been seven years since I left the country where I was born.. Now I reside in Asia and couldn't be happier about it.. Before I left my country I tried a year in a National Uni for Biology.. Well, at that time, I still didn't know that sciences require actual knowledge while business requires a nice smile, so forgive my naivety..

The fact is that, while in that Uni, I met this fella who was big, damn friendly, and always ready to joke about stuff.. Great guy..

For some reason beyond my understanding, instead of beating me up (YES, I was a nerd, we've already gone through this.. just let it go..) we started hanging out since we shared all subjects.. Sounds like the beginning of a lovely love story..

Back then, I had no friends (BACK THEN.. shut up) and thus I always carried with me a deck of cards to talk to and hug whenever I felt alone.. There's this national card game in my country called "Truco" which means Trick.. I'm sure you needed to know that..

Me and this guy (Ame) were keen to play this game while awaiting for our lecturers to come out of hibernation and decide to show up in the classroom.. Problem was that the game requires 4 players to be fun.. Four! That's more acquaintances that I'd ever have!

But I was an uninhibited nerd.. So I told Ame: "Easey.. All we have to do is to say the name of this card game aloud, and people will come".. I remember EXACTLY the moment when I said "TRUCO" in the middle of a classroom with about 50 people in there.. Two meters away from us, a pair of eyes lifted themselves from the floor towards our direction.. Kari was born..

We all became a study group and used to hang out during the days..

It didn't take long (actually, during Ame's birthday) before Ame had hooked her up.. I also remember specifically the happiness in both of them when, by the end of the party, they had found each other..

I know what you're thinking: "But Piggy Twister is much sexier that any other human being. How come she didn't fall for HIM instead?".. I understand you.. But that's a common misconception: Piggy Twister is sexier than both humans AND any other creature.. The problem is that nobody seems to notice that..

Ever since I read the news about their wedding I've been smiling.. Doesn't look like it's gonna stop anytime soon..

I'll be going back to the country where I was born somewhere next February for a month.. So maybe I'll get to congratulate them in person..

That's a kickass married couple that is being born today, 22nd Sep 05..

Now, on the backlash side: the wife asked "so when is your turn?".. Me and the wife have not gone through the signing papers thingie.. And of course every time somebody catches the wedding bug, she gets infected for a little while..

Guess it's time to go shopping and get her something entertaining so that her mind gets distracted..

Coffee Cup for the Soul

2005-09-21T15:33:00.000+08:00

I like books.. Not in a gastronimical way, but more of a visual, aromatical and sometimes scratchmybackical manner..

I think bookstores are a great place to spend time, especially when the wife has decided to go shopping (which is another word for "walk around aimlessly until your wallet is depleted"). When I see a bookstore I feel the refreshing breeze of the oasis in my face and start pulling her hand while rolling on the floor and sticking my tongue out. It usually takes about three seconds before her embarrassment kicks in..

YES, I have tried the same technique for other purposes, but it's not as effective unless we're in a public place..

Once I'm inside (OK, I need you to stay focused here, I meant inside the BOOKSTORE) you can see me running around with my tongue still out and searching for comics, new releases, and the next Harry Potter book (mostly for scratching purposes).

In one of my last visits to the store, I kept bumping into the same series in every book section: What's with the sissi "Chicken Soup for the Soul" thingie? Agreed: that bookstore was pretty messy and thus the books were all over the place, but what's up with that book? Whatever happened to intellectual reads like Calvin & Hobbes, Zits, Asterix or our Gay friend Tintin?

They were nowhere to be found..

What are we doing to our literature? Where are we going when the cartoons that raised such a strong generation (OF COURSE I mean YOU..) are being sent into the archives of mankind only to be found in some library? I sat there (my tongue was a bit dry by then) and started remembering the good old past, and realizing that this can only be a consequence of aging..

Woody Woodpecker
Mickey, Donald and Goofy
Bugs Bunny and Duffy Duck
Tom and Jerry
Sylvester, Speedy Gonzalez and Tweetie

Where are they today? I remembered that, as a kid, I always wanted the cats to win, bugs bunny to get Elmer's shotgun up his ass, and the Mickey/Goofy couple to finally accept their tendencies.. If that was the common feeling among mentally ill kids, I'm assuming that the fate of those cartoons was sealed there and then: Today's cartoonists must be refusing to draw another story where the Roadrunner floats magically while the rest of the bridge falls on Coyote.

He FLOATS! That's Cheating! Coyote was so smart and he kept losing to WBs protege!!
*takes pills and breathes deeply*

Ok, so maybe those CHEATING stories are not directly responsible for my eventual need to bang my head against walls.. But I sure wished we had more alternative to the endings of those cartoons..

A Twistian society would ensure all cartoons cater for all audiences (yes, you know exactly what I mean) so that we can watch what we need, when we need it.. If one day I feel like seeing a bomb not exploding until the coyote goes check why it's spoiled, then so be it; but if the following day I want to see good ole Elmer eating some roasted rabbit, I should be able to feel good about the fact that I can paste any co-worker's face on that dish..

I guess a doctor appointment is in order..

Parody of Reason

2005-09-20T02:48:00.000+08:00

(Kindly refrain from reading this article if you are a creep)

We Twistians know that the complexities of the Universe are nothing more than a tasteless joke by some old creep.. All that is needed to reach heaven is to call oneself a Twistian..

Nevertheless, once in a long while, we come across a descendant of the old creep trying to keep things complicated in the name of Greed (sometimes pronounced "God").. What do we do, as Twistians, when we come across this scenario? We laugh at them!.. or not..

1. Jesus is NOT the only way to God or Heaven

This is one of the most horrible new-age doctrines of demons 'lie' spreading around ! Why ? Because unless you trust and accept Jesus Christ, and him only, as your saviour, YOU WILL NOT ENTER HEAVEN !

There is NO other way to God or Heaven !

*Puts on the anti-demon gloves and drinks half a gallon of holy water*
The book Of piggy twister clearly states that "thou shalt not enter into Heaven unless thou call thyself a Twistian.. or if thou have thy key to thy back gate" and "thou shalt defineth Heaven with thour preferenceth and nobody will question thour choiceth"..

Additionally, as a former member of the Ohmygodtheendofdaysisnear community, I would like you all to be aware that Jesus was substantially a hot-tempered dude.. We remained friends for a while but he kept saying that his Father would not allow him to play with Twistians or call himself one.. Some freaks shouldn't be allowed to have kids..

I'm guessing that Jesus sneaked out and finally called himself a Twistian at some point, thus probably gaining entrance to his favorite heaven (at least, as far as I can remember): prostitutes, homeless and bearded jobless guys everywhere.. Kinda fun if you can stand the aroma..

2. Same-sex relationships are ok

This is clearly wrong ! Folks are now being accused of being a hater or against the times if they say homosexual or same sex relationships are wrong ! Will, it's the facts - It is wrong ! If the Bible says it is, then it's wrong, plain and simple.

"If the Bible says it is, then it's wrong, plain and simple."
Do you know how to make fun of somebody that has stuck a 'kick me' sign on his back AND is kicking himself in the middle of a street while calling himself 'Pamela the Hun'?

Yeah, neither do I..

3. Jesus wasn't really born of a virgin

If you deny the Virgin Birth then you are removing the credibility of the Bible. To deny the Virgin Birth is to question the uniqueness of who and what Jesus Christ exactly is! Some say 'It's impossible for a virgin to give birth ?' That is true except when God makes it possible ! Remember, God can do anything, he does not have to obey our laws of physics, normalities, or anything !

Now now now.. How dare you remove the credibility of the bible? That's just plain NUTS! I mean, it has been proven by so many different ways that this is a book that spells the truth!

And always remember: Creeps can do anything, they do not have to obey our laws of reason, logic or anything !

4. Jesus was married and had a child

The Bible does NOT mention that Jesus was married ! This is more new age thinking ! Non-christians think of nothing but sex when they think of a relationship between a man and a woman.

What the Bible does tell us about Jesus and the woman they are now saying he was married to, 'Mary Magdalene' was that they were the best of friends. Clearly Mary and Jesus loved each other, but as friends ! She recognized him as who he was, the saviour !

Mary was a great witness for Jesus, she even was the first one he appeared to after the resurection. Those who believe and teach the myth about Jesus being married and having a child do so as an attempt to "humanize" Him, to make Him more ordinary - like everyone else.

The bible does NOT mention that Jesus had a penis.. So welcome to the discovery that many a Twistian had been suspecting for ages: Jesus was a lady! That would explain why s/he liked to talk so much on top of mountains and cook bread and fish for everyone..

Non-christians are emotionless animals! Sex only! Christians are different: they get to think about sex in OTHER PEOPLE'S relationships while trying really hard not to click on those porn links in their mailbox.. Been there.. It's kinda fun how proportional the equation is: your WRONG goes up, my RIGHT goes up..

She was the first one he appeared to after his resu-erection.. I would see it as a marvelous thing to know that Jesus had a kid or two and that he managed to rest in Kashmir after all the havoc he wreaked back in Israel.. I mean.. Give the man a break.. The bible says that we only live once and you guys hope that he didn't get to experience the joys of being a dad? Imagine being eternally 'the Son': that must suck big time in curfews and other house rules..

5. I believe in Heaven but not Hell as a litteral place

That is the most stupid statement of all, because it goes against every purpose of Jesus's death on the cross, our salvation ! If there was no Hell and we all go to Heaven, then Jesus died for nothing ! Plus if there is NO Hell, then the Bible is not accurate, and this is of course not so, the Bible is 100% accurate and true.

Ok ok, we get it! The bible is accurate and true! Fine!
Sheesh..

Come to think of it.. If there is no hell and Jesus knows about it, he kinda just took an earlier flight to heaven.. Smart dude..

6. Reincarnation - Past Lives

This is of course NOT true ! A person as one physical lifetime, then they spend eternity in either one place, Heaven or Hell. There is NO reincarnation or past life.

But what about them feelings or the things I talked about while under hypnosis ?

That is either one of two things ! Either in the past the person who has feelings of another life, read or heard of the information and later forgot about it in their normal consciousness, or under the hypnosis that were the victim of demonic influence. When in a hypnotic state the mind is not under the normal control of the persons will, they are open to influence, this influence can come from the hypnotist or a demon.

Demons have been around for longer then the earth and know facts about history, and have easy access to historical records, births, deaths, even peoples feelings, that have died years before.

These demonic impressions are placed into the persons mind that is being hypnotised and thus believes they have lived a past life.

If you believe in reincarnation, you are not believing in the Bible. If you believe the Bible, reincarnation with the law of karma is a contradiction to the Bible, because it offers no loving God, no forgiving grace, and robs the Almighty of his attribute of mercy. The sacrifice of Christ on the Cross and the shedding of his blood cannot be compatible with a system of belief that denies his atonement.

Do demons use SQL Server or Oracle? Man.. So many questions I had never come across before reading this stuff.. I mean, if hell endorses SQL and Microsoft, then it's no wonder that things are the way they are..

Twistians know that we can have as many lives as we wish to have, for that is the freedom that Piggy Twister has granted to all.. The true freedom.. Freedom to suffer, to like Piggy Twister or to dislike him.. To be happy.. and even to be a nutcase with a book which is 100% true..

7. Ghosts - Communicating with the dead - EVP and more

The Bible clearly tells us there are NO ghosts as far as them being the souls of dead people that roam the earth or come back to talk to us after death ! The spirit returns to God at death and is then spends eternity in either heaven or hell.

So then what or who are we seeing when a dead loved one appears to us, or when we see a person (ghost) in a house or basement ? This is a demonic spirit. Remember these beings have great knowledge of the past even can predict future events. These beings can appear as anyone of anything. Remember the Bible says even the devil (Satan) can appear as an angel of light ! The demons can shows up as orbs, people, animals and other things on film, or they can whisper, talk in echos, backwards, ancient languages, and more on voice recorders (EVP).

Some of the reasons these demons are appearing more and more around the country as ghosts are: They want folks to dabble in the occult, using such things as Ouija Boards, Pendulums, Automatic Writing and other satanic things to try to contact their dead loved ones, in reality all this will do is allow demonic activity to occur or manifest in the persons life.

Plus, the more people that start trying to talk to the dead, gives these beings a role in their human lives, something that should be filled by Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit of God, not Satan !

We are even WARNED to NOT even try talking or communicating with the dead ! Stay away from psychics, mediums, fortune tellers, ouija boards, pendulums and any occult activity:
'Let no one be found among you ... who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord' (Deuteronomy 18:10-12).

Hey! If demons can predict he future, then why do they keep doing what they're doing?

And why do they try to lure those that will be saved?

Can they tell me the next winning lottery number? ..Please?

I think demons should revise their strategy.. Because most people I know, although they're mostly assholes, are 'good' people.. If I was managing the hell team, I'd undoubtedly send all my minions door to door looking like nice people and selling my 100% true truth.. They'd also give you free stuff and become your friends because they love you.. And then, BAM! Once they die I keep them in hell because they were barking at the wrong tree.. Brilliant..

I'll trade this business plan for that lottery number..

The Universe is a lazy bitch, why shouldn't we be one too?

2005-09-19T10:39:00.000+08:00

I was sitting somewhere thinking about something.. That happens sometimes, but with decreasing frequency.. Have you ever wondered how, if at all, can laziness be justified? We are repeatedly headbanged with the maxim "Nothing great comes easy", but we Twistians tend to think otherwise.. or not..

"Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now"

Capitalists will call me a hippie/commie, but here's the final proof of all existence that laziness is the natural law of the Universe:
-Light from the Sun comes to the Earth in a straight line (the SHORTEST path). If light wasn't so lazy, we would receive sunlight from all 360 degrees 24/7, thus allowing me to stop hiding from vampires and boogiemen.
-Objects fall straight down (the SHORTEST path again). So both LIGHT and GRAVITY are lazy bitches. Those two are pretty much the foundation of the whole Universe thingie..
-Time flows in a straight one-way line. So there you have it: Time is also a lazy, path of least resistance lover bitch..

Now, are you willing to tell me that the three foundations of the Universe 'got it wrong'? Why can't I follow the natural order of things and lazy out without being martyrized by those stuck in the Matrix? I know why! It is written in the book Of piggy twister..

And so it came to be that mankind lost thy Conformity through thy hands of Horniness. Certain males started locking up multiple females in thy hopes of making up for their lack of virility. Greed was borneth. Thy Greedy layeth down thy groundeth rulesdth for thy systemeth to benefiteth them. Capitalism was borneth.

Twistians have been aware of this reality for millenia, but we are too lazy to do anything about it. Once we realize that we can go around not doing anything and life will still have its course, we live a stress-free soap opera that we even can get to direct if we choose to, but are majorly too lazy to do so..

So, the next time that we go for a meeting or whatnot related to doing things, please know that Twistians will be playing guitar and telling jokes with their friends(assuming they have any) while you pack as much money as you can so that you can retire and go play guitar and tell jokes..

Self-convincing ourselves? probably, but too lazy do argue about it. We'll be watching you age quickly, while we become a slimy pile of relaxation.

Some of you might know, although most don't care about, the fact that I am becoming a Ninja Turtle. This does not mean that my Viking powers are receding, it just means that I have more skills combined that the whole Parliament and Congress put together, which amounts to almost 4. No, I did not mean Cheating, Lying, Stealing and Drinking, but interesting line of thought you have there..

As we all know, the Ninja Turtles live in the sewers: they happily made their residence in the middle of the feces and regurgitations of all the society above.. Much like Earth and Heaven.. Or East and West Europe..

As a shortcut to reach my workplace, I have discovered that I can walk through a sewer and save like 15 minutes of my lazy time.. By 'discovered' I mean somebody told me and by 'walk' I mean dodge small piles of dark matter..

Now, don't get me wrong: it's just a 20 meter long tunnel, with a small 'sidewalk' and a river of used water.. It's not even toilet water, but that doesn't stop it from being all sticky and gooey..

The thing with this tunnel is that the roof is at 1.80 meters, thus forcing people to bend their heads down as they sail through river stix.. Another thing is that it gets increasingly flooded when it rains.

One morning, lazy as a good Twistian, I was about to cross the path of the stinky to reach to the workplace.. It must have rained the night before, because the place was a bit flooded, but there were still a few dry places that could be stepped on. Halfway in this obstacle course, I realized that the patches got increasingly further away, thus requiring small leaps to reach from one to another.. Ok, fine.. No prob..

The problem is that Piggies tend to get excessively happy when they play in dirty water, and as such, I found myself running and jumping my way through the path of the damned while loudly singing the Thundercats theme song.. Who would have guessed that hell had such a small roof..

The jumping game came quickly to an end when my head hit the roof of that ooze decaying place.. I continued my way out, checking if there was anyone around to witness my divine stupidity (nobody.. phew!) while holding my brains from exploding out.. I can still feel the bump (did I say 'ONE MORNING'? I meant TODAY MORNING..) and don't dare to look at the sewer creatures that might be growing between my hairs as we speak.. Maybe I got some turtle eggs or some other cool stuff up there now..

I just hope that, once I become a mutant, I get Medusa's power.. It would make my life simpler in so many ways..

Blogwars week 2 - Kinky Poe's Mea Culpa

2005-09-19T09:51:00.000+08:00

All information provided here is a result of my current bashing, desperate piggies become more observant.

I was quietly crying here in a corner of my office, remembering that it's monday again and I'll get thrashed by Kinky Poe in the current blogwars, when all of a sudden lightning stroke: what if I photoshop the results, and then pretend not to be such a loser?

I was jumping on my chair, bug-eyed co-worker staring at me and all, because I'm so creative that I don't think even the Simpsons could have thought of this.. When I get into the task of checking out Poe's last week results, I came across THIS
Kinky Poe

Piggy Twister

Notice how there are gray horizontal lines going through the graph every fifty hits.. Yes, I can see them in my graph clearly and uninterrupted because it's an unedited graph.. Now, let's check out the Poe's graph and what do we see? Gray lines that stop for no reason somewhere.. Evidence of a poorly executed crime.. tsk tsk..

Piggy has raised his eyebrow.. But Piggy knows not the word 'give up', mostly because that's TWO words..

As such, here's last week's proof that I was busy working and thus had no time to click for hits.. (aka: I have no friends)

Notice how the trend is to check blogs during weekdays.. Speaks well about the workforce..

A Twistian at work

2005-09-16T12:20:00.000+08:00

This happened to one of my Humour Masters from the web.

There's always a creative way to handle people that insist on being morons in public.

One night, HM was bored, so he went to his favorite pub. He headed straight to the upper level, because it is quiet up there, and conversation does not require a megaphone. Took a seat at the bar, and exchanged niceties with a few people he recognized. He noticed a solitary guy sitting at the end of the bar chomping free peanuts and watching the game on TV --watching it very intently. He gives this guy a mental nickname, Sportsbiff. Sportsbiff because he's wearing an old high school letter jacket, and has blond, wavy hair. He looks like a Biff.

The bartender comes over and asks HM how he was, and where the Hell had he been lately and if he wants his usual. "Fine, nowhere, and yes". The bartender brings HM's drink and as he was taking his first sip he hears Sportsbiff scream the loudest "YESSSSS!" ever heard. It startles HM and almost causes him to spew what was in his mouth all over the bartenders boyfriend, who was sitting next to HM.

"What the Hell is wrong with this picture?" Sportsbiff is sitting by himself, in the part of the bar people go to escape the screaming sports fanatics downstairs, and he's screaming at the top of his lungs at the TV.

According to the bartender he's been there for about an hour and he's annoying the Hell out of everyone. He's been asked to "chill" and he won't "chill." In fact, he's just ignoring everyone totally. The bartenders boyfriend is getting pretty angry, and he's about ready to go over and clock Sportsbiff. Normally, HM might encourage such behavior, by saying something like, "yeah, not only is he annoying, but he won't take his eyes off your girlfriends ass," or something similarly inflaming. That night though, HM was not in the mood for watching live violence. He only wanted to play a little trivia, have a couple of drinks and go home. So he said to the bartender's boyfriend, "don't get all bent man, just imagine he's standing at the urinal everytime he yells."

It didn't take long before he realized what it meant. Sportsbiff lets go another "YESSSS!," and they all laugh. Some other things Sportsbiff said at the urinal were: "NO! NO! NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!", "AWWW, WHAT'S THIS!!?", and "C'MON BAAABY"

After a few minutes of this, one of the patrons that was sitting at a table with about 10 other people comes to the bar to order a drink. She asks why everyone's laughing so hard, so they tell her. In short order, the entire bar is laughing at this dipshit. The fun only lasted about 30 minutes before Sportsbiff realized that something is going on and it's directed at him. He left. Mission accomplished.

"Robin Hood Robbing Food"

2005-09-16T10:16:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Earth: We have the finest and the most intellectual amongst us.. Need a proof? Read this.

The article titled "Arts leader takes a pay cut" explains to us how some fat pocket lard 'willingly' reduced his salary because people were complaining that it was too high..

Virginia Performing Arts Foundation President Brad Armstrong has taken a $100,000-a-year pay cut in hopes of eliminating a "distraction" for the planned downtown arts center.

Armstrong's decision to reduce his pay from $275,000 to $175,000 was detailed in a letter he gave to the foundation's board of directors at its annual meeting Tuesday.

Mr. Armstrong, as a responsible citizen, decided that he should stop earning 23k/month and stick to the more reasonable 15k/month.. I have nothing against him for being able to rip somebody off that amount of money monthly: if I had the chance, doubt not that I would be there myself earning big bucks for doing some job. And by 'some job' I mean anything that does not lay your life on the line.. Anything involving crooks, fire, or female psychology would get a 6-digit paycheck in a Twistian society..

The problem I have with this scenario is that everybody I know (and that includes my cat Manu) would have done things differently, thus proving that Mr. Armstrong is either a moron or a liar. I asked Manu what he thought about this and he jumped on my arm and playfully bit it. Then he rolled and stretched on the floor while yawning.. For those of you who do not speak tongues (hail the Twistian power!), that means "I would have donated 100k every year to some foundation. I can sponsor the lives of many kids with that money"..

Foundation spokeswoman Carolyn Cuthrell confirmed yesterday that the reduction was effective immediately and said it was not the result of pressure within the foundation.

"He volunteered to do it. From a board standpoint, his job was never in question."

*Raising eyebrow*
So.. No pressure hmmm?.. My CAT would have resolved this better than you Mr. Armstrong..

Mayor L. Douglas Wilder and some others have criticized Armstrong's salary as excessive, particularly because the arts-center project is relying in part on public funds and fundraising has lagged behind expectations.

In his letter, Armstrong reiterated that "not a penny" of his salary is paid with public money and he referred to a report by the foundation's compensation committee that his salary "has been and is within an appropriate range for the job at hand."

So.. Basically.. The salary is adequate and it's not from the public (which were the two things the Mayor was whining about) but, since you are right, you gave in..

What are you in charge of, again? I certainly hope you're not my lawyer.. "Your honor, we have all the evidence that my client is innocent, but we are willing to let him go behind bars for a couple of years".. WHAT!?

Here's what happened (liars): The Mayor got pissed because you got a bigger salary than him and threatened to cut the support to your art thingie.. He told you to get a smaller salary and vacuum is house weekly.. And, just like any other wimp with 'some job', you will stick your head up your ass if that's what's needed to keep the paychecks coming..

Manu hereby asserts his availability for the post: he'll only charge 100k/year, will do a much better job at standing for what he believes is right, and can lick his own genitalia.

So.. Yeah..

The Great Sexathon

2005-09-14T15:50:00.000+08:00

..and so it was written that two teams shall compete for the title of Top Sexers in the planet. We shall have the first team named Men and the other team will be the Women. To complicate the intricacies of this reality show, we shall force them to need each other for the act, thus trapping them in an endless cycle of competition for us gods' entertainment..

Have I mentioned that I'm starting my own religion? Yeah, it's kinda cooler than the ones currently around because you get to go to heaven regardless of what you do and heaven is whatever you want it to be.. The only catch is that you must call yourself a Twistian.. Yes, that's all there's to it: no praying, no shaving heads, no money involved, no abusing young boys.. Just answer 'Twistian' each time you're asked what's your religion, and you're there.. Try it now, you might have only a few seconds left to live..

The great book of Twistians is also way more convenient than all those dusty old bricks that most religions use: our book will be freely available on the net as an MP3. Yep, that's all there is to it.. Any written version of the book will be hunted down and destroyed.. I think it goes without saying (if this was a pun, it was totally intended.. shut up) that deaf people won't have much chances of salvation, unless you are a pal and teach them to call themselves Twistians with that girlie sign language thingie..

Keep an eye open for our upcoming WWPTD bracelets that kick the nuggets of those useless old WWJD: WWPTD comes with the actual answer on the back or the bracelet. GRAB THE WALLET AND RUN. You'll be surprised to realize the vast range of situations that can be solved with this advice..

Back to our excerpt of the 'book Of piggy twister' (we capitalize only 'Of' because we are so cool), it explains how and why guys started humping guys and girls started pretending to hump girls.. It was all part of the master plan laid out by Piggy Twister to entertain his God Buddies: you see, no birthday party of Gods is complete without a nice Space Monkeys competition.. Much like Sea Monkeys, Space Monkeys are more fun in the theory than in the practice.. So instead of just looking at them for a couple of days before they irremediably die, the Piggy Twister had the brilliant idea of a humping competition..

Be not surprised, as the competition gets more arduous, if you see the Vegetal and Mineral kingdoms to fall prey to desperate competitors..

Just so that you have a headstart, the book Of piggy twister starts as follows:

In the beginning, there was Boredom. And Boredom was all, for Entertainment was not. Boredom was Order, and Chaos existed not. Order was Perfect, and Imperfection existed not. But Perfection was Imperfect because Perfection was enslaved by its own Perfection; Perfection could not be less than Perfect, and as such, it wasn't Perfect. Perfection spawned Imperfection, and Perfection was not. Imperfection spawned Chaos, and Order was not. Chaos spawned Entertainment, and thus Boredom ceased existing. Entertainment and Chaos also spawned Time, to secure their own longevity. And so it was that Piggy Twister was born: Chaotic Entertainment, waste of Time.

So, as we can clearly see, Piggy Twister is the original trinity (Chaos-Entertainment-Time), and as such, he gets seniority. That only means that we get to do whatever we want. I challenge any better religion to show up and debunk the truth of the Twistians.

In a future entry, I will be discussing the Law that was once in place under the ruling of Boredom by one minor God called Coles. If you didn't get that joke, you're a Twistian alright..

All praise the Piggy Twister!
..or not

Katrina

2005-09-14T09:29:00.000+08:00

Piggy's version of recent events.

Sunny days can turn ugly.

I remember going out with my mom for groceries that morning; we were planning on a big dinner party for my little brother's birthday celebration. Mike was turning 4 that day. We walked past the usual shops, some of them waving at us and others ignoring us. I remember that the barber offered me a lolly like he always does. It was strawberry flavoured.

After a couple of hours purchasing whatever my brother would like to eat at his party, we headed back home carrying all the bags. I can carry more bags than my mom because I'm almost 9.

Mom asked to rush because something told her the sky would get upset soon. She was so very right..

We reached home and I started helping her to prepare the food. I like to prepare meals, but mom says I must wait until I'm 12 before I can use the fire. Fire is a very dangerous thing.

Mike was playing around in the garden with some friend that had come to visit because of the birthday. They always like to play hide and seek although there's just two of them.. It's very boring, if you ask me.. But they can go on for hours.. Sometimes, 'hours' is a luxury we can't afford..

While I was helping to set up the table for lunch, we heard very loud noises.. Mom screamed for Mike and his friend to run inside.. I looked outside the window and saw the sky wanted to fall on us: the sun had disappeared and fat clouds were everywhere..

I didn't know what was all the noise.. I tried asking my mom but she was crying.. She hugged me and started screaming Mike's name.. I looked outside and couldn't see Mike.. Everything was moving so fast.. People were running around on the street stomping on each other.. Kids left behind crying.. Mom dragged me to the basement and we waited..

The loud noises went on for a long time..

When we came out, the roof in my house wasn't there anymore.. My room was all broken and all my stuff was scattered.. I was scared, but still didn't know what had happened..

Mom dragged me to a place full of other people (mostly moms with kids) and we waited there.. I was told that, outside, people were raping my friends and killing my relatives.. Mr Bush had told the military to shoot and kill my friends.. Mr Bush must be a bad man..

Days went by, nobody helped me or my mom.. I was hungry ,sad, cold and scared..

Why did nobody help me? Why did this have to happen? Why nobody stopped this? This will just keep on happening..

My name is Katrina, and I live in what used to be Irak.

Insider Info on Religious Freaks

2005-09-12T09:22:00.000+08:00

I have always wondered what makes a good prophet. When I was younger, I used to be so sure that the future could be predicted and I would once achieve powers beyond imagination.. I would be able to foresee future events and save millions, everybody would worship me.. Maybe then I would be able to finally get a girl to like me..

Yes, I was one of those 'slow moving' in the girl track.. I said WAS, shut up.

I haven't spent time locked by bullies or any of the likes.. In my teens, I was more like the smart gentleman that ALL the ladies over 40 were in love with and wished their daughters could marry.. Now if only the arranged marriages system was still around in my country..

There's no need to mention that girls like the 'older boys' that are 'naughty'.. That's an awesome combination for any father sending their teenage daughters to school and I'm never having daughters of my own and some sentences are just too long to finish adequately so maybe I'll just go on.. The stereotype that surrounds girls' attraction to old vandals is a very true reality: in a perfect world, I would have gotten laid (or not, I was such a gentleman.. Damn me and my good manners..) with a few hundred chicks in High School and College.. The problem with the world is that it is not ready for some of us.. And I base that conclusion on the fact that you think that you are 'one of us'.. Now fess up, shave your head, and donate all your cash to the 'family'..

Noticing that I wasn't getting any, I decided to make it look like this was exactly what I had planned and started acting all snobbish to boobies.. Sick, you say? It gets better..

With time, I actually started BELIEVING that I didn't want any chicks in my life.. I became so enthralled (don't feel stupid, I also don't know what 'enthralled' means), that I became a religious freak.. Not the salesman kind of freak though, I still felt that those should be forced to eat their holy books with a nice nitroglycerin sauce.. I went on to know as much as I could about the 'mysticism' in the hopes that I could impress some higher power and get access to their club.. Before you ask, it is a platonic kind of club and everyone wears glasses..

In no means do I regret that time of life, for it has made me who I am, and if you find out WHO I am I would appreciate it if you told me since I seem to have trouble figuring out..

It's just that, you meet some UNIQUE faces along that way..

So, as a service to my current community, I'll screw my previous community by telling you all the secrets that keep them running.. In the process, you might better understand a thing or two about why this so-called 'religious' behaviour will go on eternally (or until god comes down and gives everybody the finger while drinking a beer).. This might be about more than one religious faction.. or about none at all

- Every couple of years, we'll have a word spreading around that the signs of the last days have happened and that we should get ready to go 'home'.. To clean our souls and give all our possessions is optional but recommended..
- You are the peace in the storm, while everybody else is going to drown because they don't have lifejackets and haven't donated enough
- Weekly holy book studies should optimally take place on fridays or saturdays night so that the young don't need to be tempted to go out and fall to the wicked ways of the storm.. Refreshments should be provided so that people feel bad if they don't attend and make you waste all your food..
- If a charcoal is separated from the pile, it will cool down, this one I found especially funny from people that insist all we need is god to keep us going.. The direct consequence of the above statement? Religious freaks want their kids to marry religious freaks..
- Any interpretation is valid, as long as it doesn't contradict any other interpretation currently accepted.. Can you spell 'stuck in a hole and still digging until I find the way out'?
- Whoever doesn't get what you are selling deserves being patronized.. That is particularly true for those who are NOT your boss.. Your boss still needs to be respected..
- Anything that is in a video is true, even if it defies gravity, Oprah, or any other accepted truth.. I've seen dinosaurs living a few thousand years back, the Earth being the center of the universe, and rock music to be the music of the devil..

The vast majority of these 'prophets' were in deep shit just before buying the religious package, thus it makes a load of sense that they hang on to that lifeline with all their teeth.. The rest are plain nuts

I've also come across people that deserve respect for what they do, what they believe, and how they share it with the world; and as such I won't be writting about them.. So now you know, if I ever write about YOU, you know where you stand (hint: Manu)..

Amen

Blogwars - Week 1

2005-09-12T08:00:00.000+08:00

Letter to Manu

2005-09-11T17:13:00.000+08:00

Plagiarised and adapted from the web.

Dear Manu,

Almost two years ago, I found you meow-ing on the street like the dirty, smelly, desperate homeless cat that you were. Nowadays, not being homeless anymore, we are a big happy family.

We have had our up and downs during our co-habitation: mostly you flew up and down any time that you chose my sofas over you sandbox or decided that my biting my feet for attention was a good idea.

Since you obviously do not understand when I speak to you, I'm writing this in the hopes that your reading skills are higher than your hearing skills:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch the position in which you are lying.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular and stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and stretching paws to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to scratch, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory. If for some reason, both of us end up sharing the restroom at a given point in time, please know that I am there for a purpose other than petting you. It might not be evident to you, but the constant meow-ing doesn't help my concentration.

The proper order is rub yourself on me, then go lick your genitalia. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark, please choose one: a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you; b) panic and get up, but do it before I try to step over you; c) Consistency counts.

And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called "reading the newspaper". It is not my way of initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy to pet or play with you just as soon as I've had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching the newspaper with your claws and knocking it into my face does not speed along the process. And nudging my arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes hot liquid to spill on me. Again … this is not helpful.

You consistently fail this test though you've had plenty of time to study– If there is a kitty toy and a shoe on the floor side-by-side, which one should you choose to scratch?

If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat, or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll over, and go back to sleep.

I am fully aware that the stuff on my desk makes a loud noise when it is dropped on the floor. And I am proud that you figured out that meow-ing under my door sounds much louder than normal. Now please stop doing it.

Evolution of Spam

2005-09-09T18:57:00.000+08:00

You wake up in your cave, it's early morning and you survived another night from the ferocious dinosaurs.. You look around and see your woman still sleeping.. maybe she's just unconscious from the hits in the head that you administered prior to dragging her to your cave by the hair.. It doesn't really matter anyway, you're leaving this place..

You get up and walk out from your shelter, just to find out that it has been painted all over with adverts! There's the classic "hunting trip with friends" drawing, "expert pig barbecue cuisine", and even the oh so famous "flatten egyptians with big rocks!".. You foresee that this problem won't be over so soon..

..And indeed, it doesn't. More than fifty years have passed since the stone age, and we are still victims of this leeching technique that invades the weak brain and feeds on the purse of the host..

In the middle ages they had bards to yell around what you should buy..
Then came the 75% ages and we started using radio for spamming in-between soap operas
And today, in the 100% ages, we find ourselves with more alternatives to receiving this lovely disruptions than ever..

The Pigy Twistaurus defines spam as 'unwanted advertisement'. With this in mind, we can clearly see the substantial number of spams currently attacking our everyday lives: TV ads, radio ads, highway ads, movie ringtones, t-shirts with logos.. The list is endless..

Of course, we've been taught to believe that only "email" is spam, because this practice goes back to the dark ages.. And by dark I mean before Edison invented the sun.

I, for one, have nothing against email spam.. Why? Because it's probably the only one that I can actually prevent from reaching me.. All the other ones mentioned above will make their way to my subconscious and trigger levers the next time I see a super awesome vacuum machine that recycles the air in the house and converts dust into bricks.. Everybody needs that..

What does worry me a bit is the fact that they tend to know EXACTLY what I need.. I mean, how could they have GUESSED that I needed a larger genitalia and boobies implant? That's a very long shot.. So my new theory is that they are spying on me somehow..

That theory got reinforced when they started offering me the same products in my blog! How did they know I needed money? I'm freaking out here..

So now, everytime I open my wallet or visit a toilet, I find myself looking all around me for spies.. This has proven unsuccessful thus far, bringing me to the next step of the theory: they are already inside our brains..

I mean, when we were babies the gave us so many injections that we probably are completely mind-controlled by now.. What's stopping them from inserting mini-cameras in our heads?

And with all the effort to continue draining the little man from his cash, be not surprised to find the following forms of spam in the near future:
- toilet seats that play ads while you do your business
- newspapers that force you so spend 30 seconds on the ads section for every page you read
- geostationary artificial satellites with constant ad display
- street floors fully covered with ads
- pet food that makes them crap in the shape of company logos
- old ladies that grab onto your legs while screaming slogans

So, there you have it, THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.. I wouldn't be surprised if we find a rising number of cases like Van Gaugh and Mozart where they ripped off their ears and eyes just to escape the ferocious reality..

I'll be.

Anger Management

2005-09-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

From the mailbox.. Today you don't have to worry about me trying to be a smartass..

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me!," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

If that doesn't cheer you up.. I don't know what will..

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

2005-09-07T13:59:00.000+08:00

No one can call themselves a blogger until they receive their very first hate mail.. I guess now I can call myself 'important' and accept the fact that I have made a difference in somebody's life.

Several things puzzle me about this whole 'hate mail' thingie:
- What drives a person to waste their time spitting their rotten guts against a complete stranger? Maybe they assume that we shall change our wicked ways through their series of curses?
- Aren't they capable of realizing that they shall be mocked publicly and that I'll obviously paraphrase their words in a ridiculing manner? Wherever they say "I hate your guts" will be changed to "I rub my genitalia in public.. against the public"
- What makes you think anyone cares about what you have to say? You obviously care about what I said, since you wrote me a nice letter and all.. So I win 1-0..

Thus, since I have no use for this email, I thought I'll post it here for your amusement. And for the record Mr. "Fuck Off", I don't take it personally, because I know you can't help it.

So here it is, for all of us to enjoy, the ULTIMATE REASON WHY I SUCK AT EVERYTHING.

I found your blog a couple of weeks ago, and have been dying to tell you that it sucks. All the posts that I read are such a pathetic attempt to sound funny when you are actually nothing more than a moron.

You got me there: I am indeed a sucky pathetic moron. Can we be friends?

I don't know what gave you the impression that we want to know about how you were attacked by wasps or how you don't like some TV show. You sound like a little teenage girl in her own little teenage world.

I am truly sorry that this free entertainment has resulted in your disappointment.. I'll use all my time from now onwards to improve the quality of the contents. You know what? I'll be hiring tomorrow itself a seer, so that she can tell me which readers will drop by my blog and what exactly they want to read about.. Either that or I'll ask her the next winning lottery ticket number and save you from my horrible ramblings by getting professional writers to prepare the posts.. Sounds good to you?

Needless to add: I am a little girl. Wanna be my play mate?

I have been silent all this while because I didnt want to waste my time with a little man like you. But when I saw your crap about BlogWars and that you were challenging other bloggers, I just couldnt take it anymore.

So now I'm a little man? But I liked being a little girl! Can I at least join the Oompa Loompas in their gaywad games? I'm sorry that you couldn't take it.. I COULD suggest that you stop reading this blog since it upsets you so much, but I won't because that's too obvious and you'd probably get mad at me for being too obvious.. Instead, I'll suggest that you challenge me to a BlogWar and thrash me senseless.. It will make us both feel better, since I like the spanking and all.. As we speak, I'm probably being reduced to quanta by Kinky Poe in the current war.. I'm being HUMILIATED in front of the MILLIONS of readers that think like you.. That should teach me not to be a smartass..

You should stop being such a retard and do some productive things with your time, like jumping off a bridge. I hope nobody reads your blog nomore. You are nothing but a bad joke.

FUCK OFF

I am truly honored to see that you have followed the results of my Personality Test. *sniff* You remembered.. *sniff*

I fear not losing all my three readers for the following reason: they are ME from three different computers.. I can usually count on myself to read my blog.. Except when I'm not talking to myself because we had a fight.. But that seldom happens now.. Additionally, I can always count on YOU to drop by and increase my reader stats by 33%..

Bad Joke over and out.

Mail Groom

2005-09-06T12:35:00.000+08:00

Research from the Center for Successful Fathering in Austin, Texas, shows that kids who spend increased time with fathers benefit from higher grades, greater ambition, fewer anxiety disorders, and a reduced risk of delinquency or teen pregnancy. Another study found that children with actively involved fathers score higher on verbal skills and academic achievement and that working mothers are more involved with their children when the father stays home than when their children are in professional daycare.

Attention to all 20-something single rich not-fat ladies(natural ladies, no transgendered please): There's a piggy available to father your kids and take care of them and the house on a daily basis.. It's a win-win situation (you know, one of those things that doesn't actually exist but we choose to believe it does): they'll be smarter, make more money to support us, have less issues picked up from you, and might not screw up their lives like you did.. They'll also be able to talk, which obviously is not the current case according to the research above. I'm sure it also helps you being more beautiful and less cranky..

As long as you don't mind the fact that they'll be piggies..

With this demand for home-dads in mind, I have decided to start the first Mail-Groom agency in the planet.. I have noticed that people tend to buy oriental ladies, mainly due to the fact that they are not so wasted during their teenage years.. Oh, and the fact that they can't speak any understandable language, which is always a winner..

Research from here, here and here establishes clearly that the size of the male genitalia is proportionally inverse to the size of the belly. It also speculates that Africa has the most significant 'assets' in that area. If you don't believe the research results, feel free to check your nearby adult store for some korean and african videos. Case closed.

This is an untapped market: people is too busy killing each other for the vast deserts in Africa to be worried about selling their dingdongs to rich ladies.. Piggy Twister's Mail Groom Agency will deliver the below, or your money will be refunded:
- Groom will be AIDS-free
- Groom has eaten at least weekly for the last two years
- Groom is at least one-foot tall (horizontal measurement)
- Groom has a library of at least 5 role-playing games
- Groom has no reservations about your gender

Let's see the other agencies top THAT.

If you think you qualify to become one of our grooms, please send us your real-size picture in A3 format. A4 do not qualify.

PS: For those of you using Firefox, that can actually see the banner on this site, kindly provide feedback on the NEW, IMPROVED, banner..

Desperate Times..

2005-09-06T10:57:00.000+08:00

Well.. At least I wasn't caught in the act.. ;-)

For those of you who are unaware of what the above is: Battle of the Blogs gets you 15 viewers for your site. They'll vote between your site and a competing one, and the winner will win some credits that can be used to get more viewers..

Advice for the poe: if you do 3 daily battles, you'll likely win this war..

:-)

50 things you should know

2005-09-05T17:09:00.000+08:00

Some lies, some insights.. Mostly piggy stuff..

- Cotton candy does not have any cotton.. nor candy
- Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello were not just Ninja Turtles
- You are made mostly of water: rain can't hurt you
- Saying 'Hi' originated from 'Hay' which is short for 'How Are You'
- Kid is Dik spelt backwards
- Ponys are not baby horses
- You need both wings in order to fly
- Regardless of what Superman thinks, time wouldn't go backwards if the Earth started spinning the other way
- Finding 50 things to talk about while sitting in your office is not necessarily a simple task
- The best way to hide something is to let the media speculate about it
- Teeth could be unbreakable: evolution got it wrong thus far
- The Matrix doesn't sound so different after all
- 1 + 1 = 3 if the Fuhrer says so.. Nothing + Nothing = Chemical Weapons too
- If everyone embraced celibacy, the world would be a better place. Mostly because humans wouldn't be around to thrash it nomore
- Women will complain whether you ignore or notice them.. That is why god created Thailand
- The truth varies with the times
- When a cat licks his genitalia, he's actually showing off
- .. that is why some of us decide to ballotomize them
- Blogging is a form of expression.. And so is farting
- Not all Mexican Mice wear large hats
- Polygamy is bad.. until you try it
- There's no way you can nkow for sure whether the world existed before you were born
- Hands can touch anything but themselves
- If Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Eric Cartman, Bender and Stewie Griffin became a boyband, I would be stuck in a paradox
- All the matter in the Universe added together would be about the size of a basketball
- Some people spend their whole life in the womb
- A Master can only exist if there are Slaves
- Chalk tastes like nothing.. but makes you thirsty
- Whiteboard marker, on the other hand, tastes like shit and makes you fly
- If it was our last day on the planet, we'd all be banging each other.. so much for "live life as if it was your last day"
- No matter how hard you try, you can't fit more than half your finger inside your nose.. I dare you
- It is a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this kind of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation
- Most people can't count until 50

PT vs KP

2005-09-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

Starting 5/SEP/05, make sure you check this site daily so that I do not get thrashed too badly by the enemy.

I'll try VERY HARD to post daily about things that might or might not be funny (definitely funny.. inside my head..) so that I make it worth your while..

To those that support me: get all your friends to ping this blog daily! Go around in cyber cafes and log into this blog from every PC! Create an application that will spread and send all PCs to ping this blog! Whatever it takes.. I'm in way over my head here..

To those that DO NOT support me: I totally agree with you that my guts are hate-worthy.. For each hit that my blog gets, I'll hit my head against the wall.. So hit daily and I might end up in a coma, running for congress or with some other disability..

May the best piggy win.

Personality Test

2005-09-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

I remember the first time that I came across these tests that tell me all about myself: it was such a relief to know that I wouldn't have to discover myself, all I had to do is read the results and act accodingly.. I even sent it to 10 people so that my dream would come true in 5 minutes.. I'm still waiting for my can-look-like-any-chick alien.. I'm beginning to think I'll need to order through the net..

All of us have come across sites or forwarded messages promising to give us a complete breakdown of our personality issues after a series of questions. If you have ever sent me one, please know that your message is stored in some folder.. Worry not, for I shall read it someday..

Given that most of these tests are made by multi-PhD individuals, I have decided to come out with my own, so that you can send it to your friends.. And your wish will come true as soon as you send me 10 bucks.. if your wish is for piggy twister to be happy, of course.. We all want piggy twister to be happy..

So brace yourselves for a journey into your mind.. If the results suck, don't blame me for your lousy personality..

1- Do you have a blog?
You are an attention seeking bastard. Anyone that has ever created a blog to post stuff about other stuff, is only searching for a way to show the insides of their mind, and possibly validate them through the comments of readers
*piggy twister looks at the number of oral donations in his blog and cries*

2-Do you like peanut butter?
You have a low self-image, you consider yourself unworthy of a decent jelly or cheese spread.. you like girlie stuff and probably are wearing pink right now..

3- Do you trust personality tests?
If you answered YES, you are what we know as an "incoherentum moronius" among the literate.. Your words are worthless and you believe things about yourself that are untrue.. You should probably look for a bridge and jump down before this condition paralyzes you.. If you answered NO, then what are you doing taking this test? Go find yourself a brigde..

4- Do you believe in love?
You are a misguided freak. I challenge you to prove that the relationship between a man and a woman goes beyond the physical. Any other layers are added to spice things up. Why else don't we see people marrying trees?

5- Are you the unpopular type, unsuccessfully trying to be funny from behind your keyboard?
Nerd.

So.. There you have it, all you'll ever need to know about human personality..

Anybody knows where can I find a vacant bridge?

I fought the flying devils and I won..

2005-09-02T14:24:00.000+08:00

Most of us were a kid once.. And I say 'most' because some of us were chimps, snakes, frogs.. You name it.. Being a kid involves hurting yourself semi-daily, crying because you don't understand things, and hiding from bullies during recess..

Those of us that had to wear glasses in primary, especially if the frame chosen by our psychopath parents was a few inches thick, will remember the joy of getting significant attention from the opposite gender, the same gender, and even the ungendered.. I do not recall spending time in lockers, mainly because I do not recall any lockers in my school (I was dragged into some french ghetto for 12 years, and the cheapskates won't put out).. What I do remember is my popularity rating..

Kids that have no friends need different channels to express themselves: some read, some write, some draw, some interact with nature.. and others just throw things at other things while imagining the face of some bully on it.. Now, I am sure that there are good ideas and there are bad ideas in this world. Soap was a great idea, and so was water and air.. Mix them all and you can make bubbles.. Everybody likes bubbles.. Things like underwater firecrackers and commuting, on the other hand, excel in lack of sense.. Throwing stuff at other stuff is in the latter category..

Kids like to play with things.. Stones are a great example, since they introduce the youth to the belligerant future.. Sometimes, when school is over and our parents have forgotten to pick us up for the third time in two days, dorky kids will walk around trying to look busy while everybody else has a family and a place to spend the night.. Sometimes, when the wait is longer than a couple of hours, the landscape turns reddish and everything starts needing a substantial amount of whacking..

In the almighty plan of all things, such kids have been provided with thousands of stones for such situations..

One of those days, A KID I KNEW spotted something high up on a tree.. It could be a bird nest, a plastic bag, or a severed head covered with mud.. That didn't matter.. The important thing was that it was on top of a tree.. And things that are on top of trees need to be brought down so that they learn to never forget to pick us up after school again.. *takes deep breath*

With my divine missiles, I commenced my duty of bringing it down..(did I say "I"? I mean THE KID I KNEW..)

As you all probably know, dorky kids can't aim for their life, that's why they wear glasses.. And with the extra pounds from the glasses, stones usually don't go further than a few meters..

But some things are just meant to happen..

One of the multiple stones flew directly into the target and disappeared into it, leaving a nice hole for me to see what was inside.. Not that I could see much from 5 meters away, but my curiosity was burning.. Turned out that many other things would be burning by the end of the day..

As I stare at my defeated enemy and stand with my hands on my waist while the wind blows through my hair, I start hearing a very strong noise around me.. This is followed by many little flying dots trying to get inside my ears.. It looks like the wasps did not take too kindly the addition of a new window to their dull nest..

I had been bitten by wasps before.. But I had never been attacked by a whole colony at once..

So, as those devil faced monsters start surrounding me with their 5-inch stings all pointing at me, I start running towards the school buildings in the hopes that.. ... actually, I have NO IDEA why did I run that way.. The pool would have been a much smarter choice in retrospect.. Except that those french cheapskates didn't have one..

Turns out wasps can fly at least as fast as an 11-year old kid can run.. So, I was basically doomed.. Inside the building it was kinda dark, and the wasps were enough trouble to handle, boogie-man would have to wait.. I stopped and did an 180 degree turn to run back out of the building.. Looks like the wasps have some trouble stopping in the dark, because as soon as I stopped, the buzzing was gone..

Morons

I had defeated them again! And all I had to bear with were a few stings here and there.. I guess that's just one of those things you never forget.. And I can't recall anytime in my life that I have run faster than that day..

So, the next time you are throwing stones at things, don't assume that they won't retaliate just because they're hanging from a rotten tree..

(Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?)

The Wisdom of a Swan

2005-09-02T01:11:00.000+08:00

Just to prove that humans are morons, I'll use myself as an example: I sat there and watched "The Swan" again.. Except that this time, I was ready with a notepad to immediately spit out all the constructive lessons that I acquired..

As a result of this research exercise, I bring you "The Wisdom of a Swan":
- Beauty is in the bones, you just need to uncover it. I had heard of necrophilia, but never of skeletophilia. So many logistic problems to be solved.. It's just not worth it..
- We just need to do surgery in order to highlight her natural beauty. Aka "We must wage war in order to have peace" or "I chop off my fingers because they'll grow again"
- At Kenny Rogers, you can have a wholesome meal. Come to think of it, this might have been a commercial.. I remember my experience at said establishment.. They serve a rather unique vegetable fly salad.. Fly as in the one with wings that goes 'buzz'.. But I can't blame them for the vegetarian attributes of the dish: the fly was BIG and GREEN.. Such generous portions..
- They'll show three times each scene, especially when the chicks with issues cry. So, in an hour's time (half of it being commercials), you get about 10 minutes of show.. As I was writing this on my notepad, they showed it again.. So now that's four times.. Awesome..
- I really thought she looked feminine and beautiful. Two words for you: BOOBIES.
- The presenter won't shut up until the chicks cry. I'm guessing that the casting for this show involves picking the loudest whiner from a room full of dumped chicks.. I wonder if they use a mechanical hand like in those carnival games.. Man that would be a great toy to have around..
- If you want to join "The Swan", log onto swancasting.com. I'm there.. I have all the features needed for this show: I can cry on command, I would love to have awesome boobies to play with at my office, my cat dumped me for the sofa set..
- 5... 5 times each scene. AWESOME.
- One of the chick's boyfriends was 'upset' about the whole show and afraid that she might look weird. My dear moron loser: SHUT THE FUCK UP. This show is transforming your chick into some kind of hot fudge, and you get all whiny about your insecurities?? I have the perfect place for you.

Swantastik! x 5

When life is coming after you..

2005-09-01T17:13:00.000+08:00

Why do I get the feeling of Deja Vu?
Anyway.. This is, by far, the highlight of my day..

Genetics and cat entertainment

2005-09-01T09:21:00.000+08:00

Recent studies confirmed that the Y chromosome is here to stay.. That is kinda disappointing.. I was looking forward to a society of females where nobody would kill each other.. Of course, any aliens visiting our planet would be stomped by the constant yacking and lack of mathematcal skills from our civilization.. Nothing that boobies can't fix..

Before the feminists come after me to eat my soul, please know that I am very well aware that the world would be a better place if women were in charge.. NOT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE!.. It's just that.. ... Just please don't hurt me..

Nevertheless, about my cat's balls (since it's a hot topic and all..): did you know that they don't remove the whole sack? just the inside? That's kinda painful to think about, so I won't.. I was considering asking the vet to let me keep the marbles and sell them on eBay.. That would be kinda cool.. I could get him some awesome toys with the profits.. The problem with such toys is that they tend to not exist yet, thus bringing the price beyond my financial capabilities..

Here's my cat's list for Christmas:
- Wolverine Claws: Manu (the cat in question) has his own paws running, if you don't believe me ask my sofas.. But his frustration arises from the fact that the evil owner keeps cutting them in self defense. Manu wants his claws to be made of Adamantium so that he can practice his favorite sport, scratch the piggy.
- Night Vision Goggles: All that talk about cats can see in the dark sounds great, but many a night I am awakened by Manu's encounters of the crashing kind with doors and other furniture while he chases his toy-mouse. He claims the crashes have nothing to do with sniffing catnip.
- Disposable Lizards: The first time it happened, I thought he had lost his mind; I reached my house and, instead of the "moew! moew!" cat noise (I know most cats use "meow", but Manu is dyslexic) I am welcomed by this fella staring at a wall.. My first assumption was the only logical one, that there was a portal to a hidden dimension in the wall and drooling creatures were coming for me.. Scared the beejeezus out of me.. Then I sat to consider my possibilities, and realized that maybe it was a portal to a supermodel universe! I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I dove into it like a fish into.. well.. into WATER. Next thing I know, I'm lying face up next to the wall.. That's when I discovered the object of Manu's attention, a friggin lizard on the wall near the roof.. They were both just sitting there staring at each other.. Manu was damn silent.. AWESOME.. I had found the miracle formula to make the noise machine shut up.. The problem is that no company seems to be selling small mechanical lizards with motion sensors to run away from the cat when he's nearby.. Those NASA dudes are really wasting money in the wrong toys..

A kind reminder to all the millions of readers, the blog wars will commence on Sept 5th, please read the rules and support the site that deserves it the most (aka THIS ONE, the fact that I needed to highlight that speaks well about my chances).. That means NOT reading the enemy site daily, maybe just once a week.. And reading this site daily.. OK? Awesome..

So.. Yeah..

2005-09-01T08:33:00.000+08:00

My thoughts and hopes are with the residents of the affected hurricane areas.

If you can donate to the relief efforts please do so. The Red Cross is a good place to start.

Thank you.

EDIT: If you have any narration related to this incident, post them here to increase awareness. I don't mind if it's copied from anywhere. Then again.. I might be talking to myself.

BlogWars User Manual

2005-08-30T16:37:00.000+08:00

After extensive research on the net (aka clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" and getting no useful info), I have realized that there is no official manual on how to conduct a blog war.. That kinda sucks.. Mao Kung Fu wrote about the Art of War and everybody drools about it.. I have never read that and I won't until it becomes a movie with nudity and aliens (not necessarily combined, but creativity is welcome). The fact is that there is no way to know how to be at war with another blogger..

When you need to whack another nation, it is very straightforward: throw something that makes a big hole. If we are attacking a neighboring city, you might wanna reduce the size of the hole, thus downgrading from nukes to large stones and maybe some molotov. If you are at war with your neighbour, you throw your garbage and dead leaves to their side of the sidewalk.. I'm guessing that marital war involves spitting on each other from each side of the bed..

Regardless of the type of missile, the outcome can be easily evaluated: the side that is disabled first, loses the war. By disabling I mean "being incapable of throwing any missiles".. So, if a nation never threw any missiles and was just hiding in some cellar, it doesn't count as a war, that must be something else..

But for Internet wars, it gets more complex: Hackers whack servers, and maybe you could kinda keep count of how many servers were taken over by each party.. Virus writers infect as many machines as possible, with their nickname hidden somewhere in the code (brilliant).. How about blog wars?

I can see a couple of alternatives to this setting:
- we can get a group of impartial "jurors" to assess the posts in each blog and determine which blog excels in quality.
- we can let the stats tell us about the number of visitors in each site, and let these numbers decide
- Accept that I won and come back to the underworld

I have some reservations about the first one, because life has taught me that I am unable to instill 'nice' feelings in people whether online or, even less likely, in person. Consequently, any opponent would quickly gain the hearts of the jurors and I would be screwed.. No go.

The third alternative is awesome and I will be adopting it in my head. Welcome to my life.

By elimination, we have the second model left. Sounds fair enough.. But here are the clauses to be adhered to:
- Points will be given for daily 'Unique visitors' and 'Returning Visitors' (use http://www.statcounter.com for these stats)
- Points will be assessed on a daily basis; weekly winners get an extra point
- First blogger to reach 50 points wins the war
- We must both (or ALL, in case of a war with multiple parties) post the weekly reports each Monday
- A visible link to enemy blogs should be inserted on each blog. This is how the masses can choose which blog should be supported

So.. KP.. Starting next Monday? I'm not afraid to lose, life has taught me to do that very well.. But let me know so that I keep my best material for later.. *grins diabolically while trying to think of anything at all worth posting*

Vikings shall rule the earth..

Popularity Index

2005-08-30T11:01:00.000+08:00

As you can see above, fame is a tough cookie.. What is being written in this blog is affecting jizillion people around the world.. I can feel the heavy responsibility on my shoulders.. Now surrender your posessions and go conquer the world! I've always wanted to have my own army of vikings.. We could go around looting villages and keeping the women.. At least that would solve our 'dry spell'..

Analyzing the facts in a very academic way, we realize that people are starved for daily posts, which I have never promised.. We also realize that higher number of hits result from plagiarizing other blogs' genius ideas..

Thus, in the effort to make a good business model out of this site, I'll plagiarise more.. I have also heard that a 'blogger fight' tends to bring the ratings up.. So I will pick up somebody from the crowd to make fun of and psychologically destroy (or vice-versa, whichever happens first).. The lucky winner is kinky poe. I have also noticed that she's getting many more profile views and comments ever since I posted the brain pie chart, thus she owes it to almighty viking piggy twister to give back to the community.. I'm not sure I'm making any sense at all.. I just hope I don't get sued..

So get ready to see many referred copies of other people's creations.. Then the millions of piggy twister followers will be able to flood the respective websites with comments ranging from "Not bad" to "PT is totally awesome"

Let the games begin!

Top ten slogans of the Century

2005-08-29T12:59:00.000+08:00

In my constant quest to plagiarize the plagiariser I have come across this website listing top 10 slogans of the century. Now now, I have no idea how they can count slogans from the early nineteen hundreds, for I'm pretty sure they all sounded like 'Ugg want new cave? Ugg pay!'. Then again, most technology escapes my methodical grasp, plus that's exactly how slogans sound now..

As an "I'm so bored I wished the mosquito in my office would stop flying around and actually poke me" exercise, I decided to close my eyes (which were already closed, I am efficient that way..) and visualize what did these slogans harvested from my dung-filled soul (hey, I am a piggy after all).

With my viking powers and my innate viking drawing skills, I have devised a way for you to peep into my mind to understand the intricacies of being me. Look deeper into the picture, for there might be messages beyond the first observations. Then again, you might just get eye strain. But hey!, I'm not one to tell you what to do with your eyes. Just don't go blind because I hear pain hurts more if you do.. Plus you wouldn't be able to read this blog nomore, which would suck for you..

"Diamonds are forever" (DeBeers)

Note how happy and energetic is that baby, shaking it to the sound of some rap. The sad truth is that he is paying for something that will not belong to him forever.. After he dies, somebody else will keep his stones. That's why I don't buy anything that can outlast me, to avoid all those leeches to benefit from my sweat: disposable clothes, disposable furniture, heck, even disposable appliances given the chance..

Just do it (Nike)

Many a pervert would visualize a scene with sexual connotations given the above sentence. Myself being one of them, here's what I see: a drunk guy grabbing the crotch of the african dude while the crowd screams "Just Do It!" to the librarian lady that is wondering if whether she should break her premarital chastity vows now that she just turned 40. Note that the rightmost lady is ready to join in the fun too..

The pause that refreshes (Coca-Cola)

Homo camp was exhausting for these three scouts, with night-long orientations and disorientations. On the way down from homountain, they needed to take a break to relax and think of the good times. One of them thought too 'hard'..

Tastes great, less filling (Miller Lite)

Sick.. That was inside my brain? I need professional help..

We try harder (Avis)

Back from homountain, our musketeers realized that, since there were no men in the team, nobody had thought of 'feeding' the truck.. So now the truck is 'dead'.. After many R-Rated attempts to bring it back to life, the musket-queers decided to push their way back home in the hopes that masculine truckers will lend them 'a hand'.. If the truckers they find are anything like the ones I know, they'll lend them more than that.. ... ... I don't want to talk about it.

Good to the last drop (Maxwell House)

I am as surprised as you that this is what comes out when I think of that slogan.. Not to say disappointed but more like worried about what's going on up there.. and DOWN there.. Nevertheless, let us rejoice in the fact that there's still some cuteness left in my membranes.. Should I mention that the kitten suffocated and has been stuffed in that position? Maybe better if I don't..

Breakfast of champions (Wheaties)

There you go.. PHEW! You got me worried down there for a sec..
So, yeah.. I wonder if the champions ever invite guests over for breakfast..

Does she ... or doesn't she? (Clairol)

That's it, I'm off to therapy.. Talk about self-discovery!.. What does THIS have to do with the slogan? Why do I always have to end up fighting with the brain? Can't we just get along?.. DAMN I could use a breakfast of champions right now..

When it rains it pours (Morton Salt)

I'm sorry but this slogan has me stumped.. What witty remark could come from this? I just decided to change it to "When it rains, it purrs" in order to be cute and try to get you off my back.. Awwwwwww so cute.. I've noticed that the feline theme is recurring here.. Could it be guilt from the ballotomy that my cat just underwent?

Where's the beef? (Wendy's)

When I saw this slogan, I immediately googled(images) "german farmer".. Beats me what the hell is this.. But indeed: where's the beef??

So.. There you have it.. That's what your marketing schemes have caused to the population.. Unless you are selling stuffed cats or german farmers with stuffing, please revise your strategy..

So.. Yeah..

"52 buck life"

2005-08-29T10:39:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Earth: We have the finest and the most intellectual amongst us.. Need a proof? Read this.

The article titled "Man surrenders in gas-theft death" explains to us how a dude trying to steal petrol ended up commiting homicide.. With petrol prices going steadily up, I guess the death might be worth around 100 bucks by the end of the year..

A man surrendered to police Thursday in the death of a gas station owner who tried to stop a $52 gasoline theft by grabbing onto a moving vehicle, but was run over and killed.

I wonder what would it take to make me jump on a moving vehicle?

Note: I mistakenly wrote 'hump a moving vehicle' initially. We can discuss the logistics involved in the future. What bothers me is that I find it disturbingly arousing..

I know for sure that, if the wife was being kidnapped, I would indeed grab onto that car with all my strength.. I need to make sure they have her passport and any other necessary documentation so that they can keep her.. he he.. Can anybody get me a place to sleep tonight?
But truly, with all the respect I do not have for the deceased, that's a moronic thing to do. Think of the family left behind and all the mushy things (son without a father, wife without a companion.. bla) that this guy crushed by hanging on to a moving car FOR 52 BUCKS..

Benefield gave a statement in which "he said he didn't have the money for gas and said he didn't realize what had happened at the time," Fort Payne Assistant Police Chief Mike Grant said. "But after he found out he said it started bothering him real bad."

'it started bothering him real bad'.. It would take a genius to top the nonsensic hilarity of that statement. So, since I can't see any genius around here (don't look at me, my IQ was recently evaluated at below 17: some bodily functions operational, does not soil himself daily), I'll just wonder if crashing against the floor also bothered Mr. Dead 'real bad'.. Justice is blind. The blind have stronger senses. The blind feel extra pain. Justice feels extra pain.

Benefield said he knew Caddi had fallen while trying to stop his vehicle, but claimed he didn't know that Caddi had died until he read a newspaper article Tuesday, Grant told the Times-Journal in Fort Payne.

What they forgot to mention is the initial statement from Mr. Killer, which I am guessing went something like this:

Well, y'know, I wes drivin' out with me stolen gas, and this uncle runs after my wheels. I speed off as fast as I can, but the redneck bastard grabs onto my windshield. I punch him through my window and give sharp turns to make him fall, y'know. I ain't no killer. I just wanted me gas to reach my cousin's house before she delivered our baby. Anyways, when he fell down I assumed he'd be okay once they's glue his head back on. Maybe those darn commies came and did sumthin to his body. Gawd I hate those darn commies..

Sometimes, I'm glad I'm not smart enough to grab onto a car or drive one.

Mind-Hand Coordination

2005-08-29T09:56:00.000+08:00

Have you ever tried to type a stream of words without stopping to think whether they makes sense or even go back to check on their accuracy? I believe this kind of exercise might prove insightful on how intelligent is your body regardless of whether you participate in the input or not.

I wouldn't expect for the product of such an exercise to be of the highest quality, but I would nevertheless expect it to have a substantial number of metaphors from our personal traits.

Take monkeys, for example. Everybody likes monkeys because they remind us of our childhood and, to some of us, of our attempts to imitating those naked sex things we see on TV but we can't even get close to understand. I personally feel that monkeys should be given more space in society so that we can learn their skills and motricity. Flinging shit would be an added benefit.

But the politics involved in manifesting such reality would include brainstorming beyond our capabilities. Talk about chicken and egg.. We need monkeys to tell us what monkeys need.. This is proof of our codependence in nature's laws..

I have recently ballotomized my feline and have realized that all of us who haven't undergone such treatment, should do it at once. Afterwards, we'll stop biting each other's feet and just lie on the floor purring and rubbing each other.. Utopic if you ask me..

It starts to flourish in me the realization that this exercise does reflect the chaos of the psyke but might not result of interest to an audience which hypocritically labels itself as 'sane', thus it might be futile to proceed manifesting thoughts through this channel.. Come to not-think of it, do these qualify as 'thoughts'? For I have not stopped and considered any of the words typed here..

Forgive me, for I know not what I type.

TOTAL TIME: 5 minutes 16 seconds

Censorship on TV

2005-08-26T01:11:00.000+08:00

Quickly before I go into sleep-mode:

- I just had the blessed opportunity of landing into "The Swan" while searching for broadcasted nudity on TV. I just need to inform you all that I have ripped off my eyes in the hopes of forgetting the excess intellect they have absorbed from that experience. And NO, washing my face with bleach didn't help.

- Note to myself in 2020: dear fat bald asshole, what have you done with my life?

Sweet Dreams

Time to count piggies in thongs jumping over the fence.. and repeatedly stomping over swans

Cutting hair and other bodily functions

2005-08-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

If I ever needed further reinforcement to my views on humanity's non-existent IQ, this simple experiment has got it: go to a place where people bear no costs but charge you tremendously for 15 minutes of their time (no, not a brothel, a BARBERSHOP; and don't even get me started on your insinuation that 15 minutes is all you can manage..). The barber will zing here and zang there, and you'll be looking like a schoolboy/girl/pig in no time. All's great, as long as you don't need another haircut for a couple of months..

Now on to the test: walk into your workplace and wait for the suckers to be attracted to your newly gained magnetic look. It's easier than fishing barrels in a shot of Martini, which I have never tried.

How can we handle such situation? I will give you a small tutorial for your future use:
Note: Bodily harm to your person might follow the implementation of the below. The house is not responsible for such causality.

-You cut your hair! - This is one of the most common approaches, and you can get the induhvidual totally confused by giving them the "You're kidding me". Make sure you look as if you just discovered your partner is cheating on you with your stuffed pet.

-Did you cut your hair? - Note the similarity with the previous approach, with the difference that the accuser is admitting ignorance. That's what we shall use in order to bring them down. "What gave me away? The fact that it's 10 inches shorter or the new color?"

-Looks like somebody needs a new hair stylist - As far as I'm concerned, there is no haircut that looks good on the first couple of days, so you can't blame them for the comment. I recommend something more general, that can be used in almost any situation. "Looks like somebody needs a new encephalon". Once they find a dictionary to understand what you just told them, they'll realize that they are guilty as charged. You get extra points if they bow every time they see you afterwards.

-In the perennial belief that people are guilty until proven innocent, you are entitled to hate them in advance. Consequently, you are free to assume that they WILL fall into one of the above categories. A post-it note on your forehead should say "Yes, I cut my hair, I noticed. Get an encephalon". If you can get your barber to imprint that on your haircut, you are my hero.

Alternatively, if you are one of those people that goes around asking "What do you think of my new haircut?", please note that any answer not involving stomach fluids will be a lie. New haircuts suck. And I can't think of anything more insignificant than hair styles right now.

Blogging about it is a sign of viking power though..

Shut up

Brain Pie Chart

2005-08-22T13:53:00.000+08:00

In my constant quest to plagiarize the plagiariser, I have come across this blog where the creator splitted (splat?) her brain in a chart.. Finding it awesome and sitting at my workplace, I proceeded to do the same..

Note how pets and bills share a similar amount of brainpower: this is largely due to the high maintenance that pets have. I might or might not be including the wife in the 'pet' category. That would be rude. My cat would never forgive me.

Kidding, please don't hurt me, honey.

As you can see, work takes a significant amount of space in the chart. This is partially due to the fact that I included "mentally undressing coworkers" in that category.. Now you go figure the percentages while bearing in mind that I'm sitting at my desk right now, "working".

Kidding, please don't fire me, boss.
2 paragraphs, 2 apologies.. Freedom of speech my ass..

Computer and entertainment could have gone together, but I needed some place to dump bodily functions, not to mention that computers deserve a category of their own.. Note that the artistic handicap in the red section comes from my viking drawing skills, since I can't even get the Microsoft Pie to show what I want..

The rest of my brain is focused in advanced algebra, as you can see.. It is people like me that can solve world hunger and all other epidemics.. I have TV to thank..

So, the next time I'm chatting with you about anything, be reminded where will my brain be travelling..

So.. Yeah..

"Dear Retarded Customer"

2005-08-19T12:31:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Earth: We have the finest and the most intellectual amongst us.. Need a proof? Read this.

The article titled "Woman Gets Cable Bill With Derogatory Name" explains to us how companies and conglomerates will lash out their frustrations, usually caused by their own incompetence, at customers that will manifest their dissatisfaction (usually caused by their own frustrating lives).

LaChania Govan said she got bounced around by her cable company when she called to complain. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish - a language she doesn't understand.

What the story doesn't mention is that the nice people at Comcast were faced with a similar problem, since they ar unable to speak English themselves.. I figure it must have gone something like this
-Hello? I need to complain about my TV
_Hola? Si? Con quien desea hablar?
-Whuh? I need to fix my TV. TV no bien.
_Que? No me ves bien? Es porque es un telefono pendeja! Dejate de joder y dime con quien desea hablar o por favor vayase a cagar.
-.. de joder.. Manager? Si si! Por favor, el Manager.. Tacos y burritos
_Que vendes comida? Eres manager de tacos y burritos? Aqui no queremos comida, por favor muerase puta.. Adios
-Put..?
_CLICK

After a few dozens of trials, Ms. Govan understood the drill and gave up. The problem is that she pissed many highly skilled retards on the way, and since retards have a lot of time in their hands, they need to fill the gap by doing things like practical jokes and getting fired.

But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog."

Speaking for the underdog, it is clear to me that the underskilled illegal immigrants working at Comcast were showing their goodwill by letting Ms. Govan know that they were practicing the language and would gladly upgrade themselves prior to their next interaction, so that they could curse her in proper English.

"I was like you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan, 25. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss."

Govan said the only thing she did to Comcast employees that might be considered rude came after a few dozen calls when she felt she was treated shabbily. "I did tell them, 'You know what, it has to be a qualification to work for your company that you have to be rude,'" she said.

If 'Bitch Dog' can push her buttons to the point of uncussing-ness, then let's all be thankful that she didn't understand what was spoken to her on the phone or she would freak out and wouldn't even be able to breathe. Let us not even go into discussing how anyone calling 'a few dozen times' might have the IQ of a slug quarterback. If I call once and you suck, I'll call again in the hopes that the same asshole won't pick up my call. If the second call goes south, then I'll gladly pay you a visit.. Anything after that involves posters and hippies.

Govan said she talked to a supervisor and he offered her two months free service, which she turned down.

Finally Wednesday, about two weeks after she got her bill, somebody from the company left a message on her answering machine in which the caller apologized.

Comcast officials said it shouldn't have happened.

"We only use the actual customers names on the bill," said Patricia Andrews-Keenan, a Comcast spokeswoman.

Company officials went through the records and identified two people who were involved with the name change and fired them, Andrews-Keenan said. It's unknown why the employees did it.

So Comcast thinks that they can curse you and get away with it by keeping you staring at the TV.. Pretty moronic.. I mean, at least offer the lady one month per time she called! And given that she called dozens of times, and adding the IQ of this whole thing, Comcast should have offered like 4 months free at the least..

Now on to the interesting side:
- it took 2 people to change the mailing name.. That talks well about the skills of Comcast's staff.. I'm guessing one pressed buttons on the keyboard while the other repeated aloud what characters were displayed on the screen.
- company officials do not know why employees did it. Right. This looks like a case for Holmes or Spade. Talk about having trouble putting together a 2-piece puzzle.. At least now we know that Comcast never intended to be rude, they are just mentally challenged.

I'm gonna sign up for their services and call them speaking in elbonian. Then I'll blame them for my life and get them to offer me free stuff.. Which then I will decline in order to go to the newspapers and get nothing at all instead..

So.. Yeah..

"50-Buck Killer Laptops"

2005-08-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Earth: We have the finest and the most intellectual amongst us.. Need a proof? Read this.

The article titled "Panic ensues in rush for cheap laptops" explains to us how, driven by the opportunity of paying 50 bucks for obsolete technology, people will denigrate themselves to incredible extents.

"This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare.

Now, I have no idea what they meant by 'flip-flips', but in computing, it is never a good idea to lose one of them, because your output will be seriously affected. Proof to this by the fact that she had to spend the rest of the day with one foot bare: if you lose your flip-flop, you'll lose your shoes too..

More than 1,000 people turned out at the Richmond International Raceway in hopes of getting their hands on one of the 4-year-old Apple iBooks, which retail for between $999 and $1,299. The Henrico County school system was selling 1,000 of the computers to county residents.

I don't know about you, but I am incapable of remembering what technology was like 4 years ago.. I'm guessing we were all using the Atari 2600 and rubbing stones for fire and other pleasures? So how is it that such technology is worth 50 bucks escapes me.. But the major problem arises because "more than a thousand people" showed up, and there were only 1000 units.. We very well know that each one of these leeches wanted to buy the 1000 units for themselves and resell on ebay (which, come to think of it, would have been a more profitable exercise. Somebody must whack some business sense into the Henrico County School System..)

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

50 buck laptops make us act like morons. Care to act surprised at waging war for billions of bucks in petrol? But the best parts are still to come..

"It's rather strange that we would have such a tremendous response for the purchase of a laptop computer -- and laptop computers that probably have less-than- desirable attributes," said Paul Proto, director of general services for Henrico County. "But I think that people tend to get caught up in the excitement of the event -- it almost has an entertainment value."

*sign of hand flying on top of head*
Mr. Proto thinks this was caused by 'entertainment value' and that it was 'rather strange' that more than 1000 people would show up for the giveaway.. Dear Mr. Proto, I think it's rather strange that you are a director of anything non-prison related.. But let me guess: you came up with this 50-buck-laptop scheme, didn't ya? But not to worry, there's always someone that will fall lower than ourselves..

Blandine Alexander, 33, said one woman standing in front of her was so desperate to retain her place in line that she urinated on herself.

If I pay you 1000 bucks, will you pee your pants in public? No?? Well, I have news for you: recent research shows that you will.. In order to save 1000 bucks in obsolete technology, people will ridicule themselves publicly.. Come to think of it, it might have been a smart strategy, for I'm sure that nobody pushed her around or even got close to her afterwards..

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,"' the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

I MUST join these subhuman parades sometime. Turns out that I can do what I want to you in there if I reach a lot earlier than you.. Awesome..

Brace yourself for future headlines:
Piggy Twister was at the scene of this giveaway barrel of petrol for 10 bucks, organized by Mr. Proto from Henrico County. He claims he reached early to loot more goods. When nature called, he aimed at the back of the line and fired at will, scoring extra points if you hit the elderly. When the line dissolved into a mass of frenzied shoppers, Twister drew his nun-dildo-chakus and started letting it loose on all those that reached a lot later than him, regardless of gender.

"I took my dildo-chakus there and held them in position and 'Bang!'. Some of them would try to cut me more than once and got double dose. Worked out alright, since even some that were here earlier than me started going to the back of the line just to cut me off."

"Crime-stopping cheerleaders"

2005-08-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Earth: We have the finest and the most intellectual amongst us.. Need a proof? Read this.

The article titled "Cheerleader chant helps cops nab crash suspect" explains to us how a cheerleader, unable to retain the complex carplate number of a hit-and-run jerk, decided to put both her neurons to work simultaneously and made a song out of it..

Not all of us can remember "TWO 222".. So we do need to give them some credit..

To be noted that, from the picture published (note that there was just ONE picture published, it is safe to assume that the reporter realized the futility of this story after that first picture), there were 16 cheerleaders helping out for this task.. that means that each had to learn HALF a character, thus leaving the remaining 1.5 neurons available for bodily functions.. Hardly an heroic feat.. But undoubtedly one worth mentioning in the media..

The next time you are planning to hit-and-run, make sure these superheroes (outfit included and all) are not around to bust you..

I heard that now they are on a long holiday to recover from the intensive brain exercise.. three of them still to recover from coma..

Give me an 'Oh'
Give me a 'my'
Give me a 'fucking'
Give me a brain..

Making Money the easy way

2005-08-13T12:28:00.000+08:00

Ok, after decades of looking for something that is easy and worth doing, I have finally found a way to solve the financial concerns which does not involve murder or blackmail.. Join me in this small journey as I explain the two genius ways to make money, since it involves YOU.

1. Spank-for-hire
While watching some episode of 'the hot housewives' or whatever, I saw a neighbour spanking the kids of a hippie mom. Awesome waste of my time. But lately, when my cat gets really annoying, I wouldn't mind having a magic word that would make him go back to sleeping on top of some appliance. That's when lightning stroke: I have nothing against disciplining a kid that was raised by demons, but I don't know how to whack sanity into my own. Follow me here.. What if I hire my services to spank kids in my neighbourhood that have been misbehaved? I'm sure other parents suffer the same incapacity whereas they can't hit their own kids.. Now, after I've whacked your kids once, the next time they misbehave you can threaten them with "I'll call piggy twister and he'll make you stop". That should immediately put them in the Light Side of the Force again..
Additional benefits are that I'll reach there in half an hour or less, or the spanking is on the house..
This service can be furthered to old ladies in need of 'special attention' and other variants.. Possibilities are limitless! Just remember me when you are rich and drop 10% of profits here ok? I knew you could be trusted..

2. The MLM Blog
I'm sure most of us have heard about Multi Level Marketing: it's a lie where people make you buy things so that they can suck your blood.. Sounds great and all, but it works mainly for uncle Sam.. Plus it forces you to convert your friends into numbers, and that kinda sucks.. I have revamped the system, and now improvements allow us to both spend NOTHING and use COMPLETE STRANGERS to get rich.. Not that I don't like the way you smell or about your life things, it's just that.. Hmm.. Yes, it's the smell..
The system will go like this: you post a comment here (>traffic to this blog) and i'll keep count of how many comments you have posted.
Awesome.
Now I list on the sidebar who are the top commenters.. You get a little feeling of self-worth.
Awesome.
You tell everyone to come and read this blog (>traffic to this blog).. The traffic makes this blog start making money. Awesome. My top commenters get a share of the cake..
AWESOME

So start now that nobody else is looking, because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain..

Together, as a selfish team, we can do this! And if we don't we'll still have the subconscious feeling of entrepreneurship, and delusion is always better than reality..

Conquering for the Empire

2005-08-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

Dear President:

It has come to my attention that many lives are constantly being wasted in our massive lust for control. We are aware that we do not care for the young, the old, or the unborn, but we have noticed that the living will waste substantial time by recurrently searching for a mythical 'justice' that can only feed the media.

In our constant search for improved methods for expanding our dominions, we have come to the substantial finding that we can now wage war without declaring it or even tell the enemy about it. What's even more appealing: the enemy might consider itself in an 'state of urgency', but it will only sit and chat about it with us. YES, SIR, YOU HAVE READ RIGHT.

I hereby support that, from now onwards, we attack our neighbours every 10 years (or earlier if the need should arise) by setting ourselves or our unimportant territories on fire and let them asphyxiate to their death while they go on chit-chatting with us about how to put out a fire.

YES, SIR, the uncivilized do not know how to put out a fire, and they truly believe that neither can we.

With best regards,
The Secretary

Water savings and other leakages

2005-08-10T11:02:00.000+08:00

Have you ever come across this magical water taps that you must press to make them work? They look something like this:

It's just an awesome idea by some enlightened fella that we should press for as long as we need water. Saves the world.. It also reminds me of this:

Everytime I use this innovative system, I feel like that lady, brought back a few centuries in time.. It's just such a nice trip..

Not that I'm not aware of the periodicity of evolutionary trends, it's just that, today, I found myself cursing at the inventor of that tap. Mean, you say? Then I invite you to try and handle a nasal waterfall while pumping that tap and holding your tie to avoid spillings.. Go ahead, try it.. I would have nothing against pumping that thing with my foot (unless, of course, I needed to wash my foot), but the pump-blow-pump-wash game gets a bit tiring after five rounds. I'm sorry for whoever is next in using that tap..

Update: I went in there again for another session of whack-the-tap, and turns out that, if you press hard long enough, there's a small 'crack' noise and it stays open permanently.. I'll post back when I figure out how to close it.

If I can't be funny, just blame it on my friggin flu that doesn't seem to go away..

Yeah, that's why..

Shut Up

Tempoarily out of resourse, please try again later.

2005-08-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

This fella got a lot of hits by posting that line on his blog.. So.. Yeah..

For those of you wondering what's that message, the concensus puts the blame on one of Malaysia's ISPs (Impeded Spelling Problem?)..

Turns out dey candt spelt ford thier laif..

Judge Duty

2005-08-04T15:44:00.000+08:00

Today I learnt something: It is a Judge's duty to impose the maximum amount of justifiable guilt on the defendant.

I have seen many trials (real and hollywoodeans), and had never been able to put that into words. But that's exactly how it is, and knowing what we do helps us put things into perspective.

Now let's imagine what it would be like if other aspects of life were like this.. *sounds of harps while image gets blurry and we dive into our minds*

A person walks into a small store. The owner greets with a smile and watches as the person chooses what items are being chosen. Based on those items, the owner proceeds to try and convince the shopper that s/he needs more items that are related, or more of the same because they have discounts. "You should buy the 10kg toothpaste because it will last you for 10 years and it will cost you half the price!"

I wished I knew if I'll still have any teeth left 10 years away..

As we can see, the owner's job is to sell as many products as possible without getting the shopper to run away screaming like a little girl having her first period.. Never wondered what that must be like.. I'm guessing that if I found myself with unauthorized things coming out from my lower end (USB in short: Unidentified Secretions from my Butt) I would run to the toilet and sit on the bowl while cursing at how young I lost my bowel control.. All those teenage years of experimentation.. But we are sailing away from the point here.. Let's try another scenario.. *sounds of soft drink cans hit by a stick (sorry, the lease for the harps has expired)*

A lecturer is teaching the students about the verry complex subject of Geography (you know, where are things and mountains and ponds; info that saved my life a number of times..). This lecturer is, like any other lecturer, hoping that the students score kickass marks so that he gets promoted and some other benefits like sitting on a chair with four isometric legs and getting real food in the teacher's lounge.. How will our fellow lecturer achieve this? He can either count on the determination and IQ of the students OR he can give as many 'tips' as possible, without giving away the whole cake.. Not that he wouldn't want to, but there's always a nerdy smartass that will go and tell the parents about how the lecturer helped all the stupid students in the class and he's cheating.. I'd hate to still be that kid..

The lesson to be learnt here is clear: people is always walking on eggshells trying to touch base without getting ousted.

Sit back, relax, and think of how true this is in your life too.. What are your eggshells and what is it that you are trying to achieve?

Take a deep breath.. Smile..

This session will be 200 dollars, nice making business with your dysfunctional brain..

Signal-less Internet

2005-08-03T12:42:00.000+08:00

It is a well-known fact that companies without a sense of humor will fire employees for 'exposing confidential information' (aka having any non-zombie thoughts and being capable of typing them with a keyboard). So, since the place where I work is managed by highly enlightened people with a great sense of humor, I will post this latest update on my tiny frustration. Any lawyers seeking for evidence, kindly note that this was not posted by this site owner, I'm just some hacker that want to screw the owner for being so handsome.

Turns out we are moving towards a wireless universe: no cables in my shaver, no cables in my radio, no cables in my Internet connection. Awesome. Call me avant-garde, but I still find myself pressing the 'send' button and trying to stick a stamp in my email while it flies aimlessly through the air around me.. If I let out one, I also wonder how does that affect the contents of the message.. I've been sending a lot of scato-mail lately.. But that doesn't matter..

The truth of the matter of the fact of the case is that whoever came out with this 'flying Internet' thingie forgot to make sure it works. Not a big problem, you might say, but try waiting 3-4% of your time daily until the signal is back.. Go ahead and try it.. In a 9-hour working day, that means more than 20 minutes waiting..Fine with me if those were to happen during lunch-time or my 30-minute toilet breaks.. But when it comes just before I press the 'send' button on a page-long message and everything goes missing, it's kind of a problem..

So, I wish to suggest the solution to this signal-loss conundrum that will result in 20 more minutes of productivity per day (that's 86.666666666667 hours per year! Feel free to send me a share of the extra profits your company will make with this revolutionary solution): I call it Midget-mail.

The whole concept evolved by observing those tiny Oompa-Loompas (you know, the homosexual partners of Mr. Wonka that got their skin color changed through multiple dippings in chocolate.. Such a perverted practice should never have taken place: think of all the chocolate wasted..). Turns out these Oompa Loompas are happy to sing and work in exchange of 'playtime'. Now we just replace playtime with nuggets, and the little midgets will be working for you at no cost! (I dare you to try and differentiate nuggets and nuts after being dipped in chocolate)

What you do now is to have a thumb drive (those tiny thingies that you plug in your PC and can store more information than any person) and send all your emails TO the thumb drive. Then give the Midget the drive and let him run to the Wireless Hotspot to plug the drive and thus deliver your message to the Internet. Genius.

So now you get to avoid wires, avoid having your information flying around in the air aimlessly for others to pick up, you can play midget-stamping, and all of this for nuggets. I do recommend for your hotspot not to be too hot, for replacing this little helpers upon combustion might be costly and troublesome, since once you burnt them you can't order them through the Net unless you have a spare in your closet. Also make sure that they don't run around aimlessly for that would result in more wasted time than the current system, plus the defacto truth that having midgets running around won't improve your corporate image in any way, unless you are producing chocolate.

I will continue developing this idea and keep you all posted on the implementation of TCP/IP and how many USB ports will the midgets be able to handle at once. Just let me talk to PETA first to avoid any misunderstandings.

While I await for my midgets to be delivered, I can think of a couple of co-workers that could start the ball rolling. If you think I'm talking about you, please stop thinking because it probably hurts.

Opening Act

2005-08-02T17:27:00.000+08:00

This blog is a collection of plagiarisms stolen from many other plagiarisers and maybe one or two actually talented people.

Serve this as a disclaimer:
- I promise not to take personally your comments, for I know you can't help it.
- I am looking forward to seeing many comments posted by total strangers; this should provide some insight on the state of my self-esteem.
- I create this blog in DiaryLand because of all the awesome people that have their diaries here; I'm kinda hoping some of it sticks on me.(Note, this was created in diaryland and we were happily everafter until they decided to charge me for allowing comments. *sounds of regurgitation*)
- Emoticons and chat language suck. LMAORFLARO.. or whatever..
- If you don't like what you see here, please bend over and die.
- The child inside me happens to be an 8 year old girl with a big lollipop in one of her hands and a bowtie on her hair. She has a severed head of a play mate in her other hand.
- It's OK to like peanut butter, just don't expect me to respect you.
- I'm right and you're wrong; or you're wrong and I'm right, whichever you prefer. Now stop whining.
- When I grow up, I hope you're more like me.

Good times. Now my life will have a meaning.